Briefs

Briefs

Blue’s Clues Detective Business Fails

Written by: Miranda May

Blue’s Clues Detective Business Fails It’s been 19 years since Blues Clues’ Steve went off to college, and is now announcing a new private detective business. …

Briefs

UC Campuses Criminalize USB Drives to Combat Illicit Black Market Dealing

Written by: David Umgebung

UC Campuses Criminalize USB Drives to Combat Illicit Black Market Dealing Pandemonium swept across campus last Wednesday following the announcement prohibiting the possession of USB drives …

Briefs

Pro Unreal Tournament Player Reflects on 9/11

Written by: Andrew Sitko

Pro Unreal Tournament Player Reflects on 9/11 Jerry Stern, former professional player of the Unreal Tournament titles, has reflected on the events that took place during …

Briefs

Speak Softly and Carry a Big Stick: A Guide to Becoming the World’s Best Golf Caddy

Written by: Robert Renfro and Matthew Miltimore

Speak Softly and Carry a Big Stick: A Guide to Becoming the World’s Best Golf Caddy Horace Scope, locally-renowned golf caddy, has begun the press tour …

Briefs

Trader Joe’s Bag Begs for Recycling

Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

Trader Joe’s Bag Begs for Recycling A paper bag recently used to carry one bottle of Chardonnay out of a Trader Joe’s is now resting under …

Briefs

Thoughts from the Hostess Table

Written by: Rani Das

Thoughts from the Hostess Table After being in a pandemic, living in the darkness of my haunted house, and letting my once juicy, voluptuous buttocks decay …

Briefs

Diversity Hire Brian, 67, Speaks on His Work at Forever 21

Written by: Aniela Drumonde

Diversity Hire Brian, 67, Speaks on His Work at Forever 21 Brian Ainsent, who commenced his retirement five years ago, recently began looking for a new …

Briefs

Local Student Is on Edge of Being on Edge

Written by: Andrew Sitko

Local Student Is on Edge of Being on Edge Bingus Bunggus has reported staring at the desktop of their computer for three days as their encroaching …

Briefs

Pepsi Releases New European Line: Pepoui

Written by: Gage Tanzman

Pepsi Releases New European Line: Pepoui European citizens and Pepsi enthusiasts alike are rejoicing at the new release of a French-themed take on the American soft …

Briefs

Smuckers Uncrustables Recrusted

Written by: Maria Dhilla

Smuckers Uncrustables Recrusted Smuckers has announced that their beloved Uncrustables will now be sold with crusts. This step is part of Smuckers’ vast rebranding campaign, which …