Pepsi Releases New European Line: Pepoui
European citizens and Pepsi enthusiasts alike are rejoicing at the new release of a French-themed take on the American soft drink. The new soda line features several noticeable changes, including a revamped can design and an adjusted recipe.
Emmanuel Claudet, Pepsi’s Director of International Marketing, published this statement with the release of the new beverage: “Bonjour! Nous sommes très heureux de vous annoncer notre nouvelle boisson. Le goût de Pepoui est celui d’un amour magnifique, et il a aussi le goût de Paris. Bien sûr, les couleurs ressemblent au drapeau français. Nous sommes impatients de partager cette boisson avec les consommateurs et nous espérons que vous l’apprécierez!” After the statement, a English translation read: “Hon hon hon, we are a bunch of French assholes seeking to destroy the international market with these bougie, ashtray-tasting cans of imperialism. Enjoy, you snivelling, non-baguette-baking bimbos.”
Despite protests from American retailers that the soda is “nearly identical to the original,” and “just a move from the European market to stimulate a post-COVID economy,” consumers seem overjoyed with the product and look forward to purchasing the soda in bulk. Local student Emily Steffens offered her view, stating, “I can pretend that I’m sitting on the streets of Pair-ee, as I enjoy my new can of Pepoui!”
When Gage is not pondering time and relativity, she is busy spreading kindness and laughter, not only through sharing sushi with her friends, but also by making fun of the human condition and our shared experiences. In an ideal world, Gage and her cat would be battling mean people and making the world a brighter place.