Smuckers Uncrustables Recrusted

Smuckers has announced that their beloved Uncrustables will now be sold with crusts. This step is part of Smuckers’ vast rebranding campaign, which aims to bring in new customers and make Smuckers “virtually unrecognizable.” According to Smuckers CEO Mark T. Smucker, “The crusts will be reattached after the uncrusting process is complete to increase efficiency. We’re also going to recrust the edges of our classic white bread with imported wheat bread crusts for better taste!”

Rashida Jamali, a New Jersey mother, has praised this move, saying, “Now when my children ask for White people lunch, I can proudly give them an Uncrustable, knowing that they’re getting the healthiest processed crust available.” Jamali’s children, on the other hand, have started a Change.org petition to “uncrust the recrusted Uncrustables.”

This unwarranted sandwich reboot follows the release of Smuckers’ new logo, which has become flat and amorphous in order to generate mass-market appeal and hatred from consumers. “I can’t believe they keep taking things from our childhood and making them worse,” said Samantha Liu, a tired millennial, “I’m gonna actively start killing the packaged sandwich industry in retaliation.” Liu instead ate an old Uncrustable before sadly realizing it wasn’t as good as she remembered