November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II

Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

Trader Joe’s Bag Begs for Recycling

A paper bag recently used to carry one bottle of Chardonnay out of a Trader Joe’s is now resting under the sink in a local college student’s apartment. UCSD student and decidedly bad person Josephine Traighdére is “blissfully unaware” of the stack of aging grocery bags “crushing the life and soul” out of the recently purchased paper bag.

Now folded up, the paper bag is “less than one millimeter of life” thick and “only longs to be recycled.” Once, this bag reportedly aspired to be a makeshift recycling bin, imagining itself containing some glass bottles and cardboard packaging on its way to the next life (a bigger recycling bin). Such hopes were cut short when Traighdére didn’t want the cute Trader Joe’s cashier to think she was just buying alcohol. The paper bag would not have chosen to be the vessel of these boastful lies, but such events unfortunately come to be when one is an inanimate object devoid of agency. “Alas,” the paper bag would say, if it could speak.

MQ Uncle's Roomate

Dan Kaliblotzky is a fourth-year at UCSD. He aspires to find a career in soulful heavy metal Phineas and Ferb covers.

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