UC Campuses Criminalize USB Drives to Combat Illicit Black Market Dealing

Pandemonium swept across campus last Wednesday following the announcement prohibiting the possession of USB drives on campus grounds. The UC President summoned a public press conference last Friday, declaring a “War on Drives,” labeling USB drives “Public Enemy No. 1.” The president stated that “due to their expendable and highly concealable nature, USB drives promote the widespread and unauthorized distribution of textbooks. We believe that outlawing USB drives will deter such inappropriate behavior.”

The next day, the president’s office was inundated with letters of protest. In response, a compromise was proposed to prohibit UC campuses from using textbooks that are re-released every year and marked as the latest edition. When asked his opinion on USB drives, the president responded, “I am open to compromise. But like our textbooks, my opinion towards USB drives remains largely the same.”

The president announced plans to place all approved textbooks and supplementary reading material under protection as per the soon-to-be announced Secure Copyright and Administrative Mandates (SCAM).