Briefs

Briefs

Department of Music Announces New Concert Series

Written by: Sylvia

In a bid to diversify the musical offerings of the Department of Music, Director Jenny P. Orridge has introduced a new series of concerts titled “Dive …

Briefs

Student with ‘Infectious Respiratory Pink eye’ reportedly Studying at Geisel

Written by: Theo Erickson

In a developing story this week, student Whoopi Ngcough was reported by one bystander to sound like she was “literally coughing up, like, chunks” as she …

Briefs

CIA ‘Operation Dirty Talk’ Uncovered

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

Leaked internal CIA documents have shed light on Operation Dirty Talk, an ongoing joint venture with phone sex call center Masturline aimed at extracting secrets from …

Briefs

UCSD ‘in Tatters’ After Devastating Winter Storm

Written by: Connor Betterly

UC San Diego found itself in disarray this week after a winter storm wreaked havoc on the campus, leaving administrators scrambling and students’ spirits dampened with …

Briefs

Amazon Buys the Catholic Church

Written by: Everett Ririe

Last Sunday, Pope Francis, head of the Catholic Church, announced his intentions to resign from papacy, effective immediately. His resignation was accompanied by an Amazon announcement …

Briefs

Linguist Discovers True Meaning of Christmas

Written by: Janice Kim

As a result of the resoundingly successful United Auto Workers’ strike negotiations, academic workers are cashing in the micro-sabbaticals the University of California added to their …

Briefs

Innovative Carpet Bombing Combats Atmospheric River

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

With an atmospheric river bringing torrential rainstorms to the San Diego area, the Air Force scrambled into action, launching a mission to divert its flow. Air …

Briefs

NFL to have most Technologically Advanced Super Bowl yet

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

On February 5, Roger Goodell, commissioner of the NFL, announced that Super Bowl LVIII will be the “most technologically advanced ever.” “We have ensured that Allegiant …

Briefs

In-N-Out Burger Unveils New Secret Menu Item: The Quintuple‑Quintuple®

Written by: Ren Wallace

Last week, California franchise In-N-Out Burger debuted the Quintuple-Quintuple® to appeal to a wider audience. An official statement by the Food and Drug Administration declared it …

Briefs

White House Mandates New ‘mNRA’ Vaccines

Written by: Katie Campbell

In a controversial move last Thursday, the White House announced that all members of the military will be required to receive an “mNRA” vaccine to remain …