Articles
Ache of the Hummingbird Muffin
By Hummingbird M. UffinPastry-Adjacent Food Item Everyone asks how the food is, but nobody asks HOW the food is. I have endured true struggle in this …
I’m the First Engineering Student Without a Superiority Complex: Here’s My Story
By Gabriella HeartEngineering Student I still remember the exact moment when I realized I wanted to be an engineer. It was when I built my first …
I Think My Kitchen is Talking to Me vs. I Am, and I Wish You’d Listen
Point: I Think My Kitchen is Talking to Me I swear I’m not crazy. Last night when I went to grab some dessert, I could have …
Chancellor Khosla Finds Holy Grail in UCSD Wastewater
When one of the unpaid interns got their arms chopped off by an overzealous swing, Khlosa scoffed, “‘Tis but a scratch!”Photo by Jack Yang In an email …
Kamala Harris Under Fire for Staring at Joe Biden, Tapping Watch, and Sighing
White House staff reported seeing Vice President Harris writing “President Kamala Harris” over and over again on a legal pad.Photo by Maria Dhilla Despite being in office …
Gamers Find They Are Bisexual After Playing “Hades”
Ralphie Zabaria said, “If I’m going to hell, good.”Photo by Jack Yang A sharp spike in self-reported bisexuality has occurred in the United States following the release …
Medieval Times To Open Offshoot Branch Based on Roaring Twenties
A promotional offer reads: “If you subscribe to Medieval Times’ email list, we’ll send you chain mail!”Photo by Maria Dhilla Medieval Times CEO Kenneth Kim recently announced …
Vending Machine Mixup Has COVID Tests Replaced With Dildos
“Ask not what your university can dildo for you, ask what you can dildo to yourself,” posed Sterbater.Photo by Jack Yang Chaos erupted last Monday evening at …
Clam Unhappy, Despite Common Saying
“It’s really hard to stay positive these days, as a clam,” said one local clam. “I mean, we barely have a foot to stand on!”Photo by Sharon …
Local Women Gets New World Record on New Year’s Resolution “Any%” Speedrun
Goodman said that she found a way to “clip into the kitchen” after demolishing the wall between it and the adjacent room.Photo by Sharon Roth When a …
