December 6, 2023 Time traveling since 2088. Volume XXX Issue III


Local Teen Girl Justifies New Years Party

Written by: Varsha Varkhedi

In response to one party-goer claiming that their cocaine was “95 percent pure,” another partygoer held up hand sanitizer,
saying, “This is 99.9 percent pure.”
Photo by Maria Dhilla

Outrage amongst neighbors in a La Jolla gated community was reportedly sparked over a 19-year-old hosting an elaborate New Year’s Eve party. Naomi Wells has been facing criticism for inviting over 100 guests to her NYE rager while disregarding the country’s current COVID restrictions. One of Wells’ neighbors, Janice Burk, was adamant in pressing charges against Wells for “reckless endangerment.” She went on to say, “I can’t believe Naomi would do something that goes directly against COVID restrictions. Restrictions, I should note, that have been in place for close to 10 months. It’s ludicrous that she wasn’t aware of how unaware she is. It’s downright dimwitted.”

Wells was interviewed about her self-proclaimed “small gathering.” She stated, “It was honestly such a blast, I hadn’t seen my friends in so long. It had been at least two weeks since our last gettogether, and I was starting to get, like, really lonely.” She continued on, “I’m just such a social butterfly, and as a natural extrovert it’s dangerous for me to be alone this much. It could cause long term damage.” When asked about the possible danger of the COVID- 19 virus, she replied, “I take it super serious, no one is allowed to breathe on anyone else. And everyone gets tested every thirty minutes. I bought a ton of those instant tests and I scattered them around the party, kinda like quirky party favors!”

While it is not unheard of for people to be participating in outdoor, socially distant events with a few acquaintances, some people were quick to point out the sheer magnitude of Wells’ party. To that criticism she responded, “I just invited a few close friends, and I totally know that they haven’t been hanging out with others. So it’s basically totally safe.”

One of the attendees at the party was Wells’ boyfriend Brock Mortar, a self-titled “himbo.” He seemed to be confident in the testing schedule kept at the party. “Yeah, Naomi is super smart about things like that. Everyone was told at the beginning of the party, every 30 minutes take a test, and if you catch COVID you leave.” Mortar was an advocate for this testing strategy, claiming “It helps us stay ahead of the issue. Plus the tests are super fun to take, you pee on them, and if it’s one line you’re good to go. But if it’s two, you should probably head out.”

Wells’ neighbors had a lot to say in response to these precautions. Her next-door neighbor, Terrance Shile has reportedly had enough stating, “It’s absolutely ridiculous. So many parties, so many people! Is it that hard to be alone with your thoughts? The rest of us are doing it!” When asked about her previous encounters with Wells, she stated, “I honestly didn’t know she was this dumb. If I wasn’t 90 and at a total risk for dying from this disease, I would go over to her house and give her a piece of my mind.”

After hearing her neighbors statement, Wells had a lot to say. “I always knew that bitch had it out for me. She acts so holier than thou, but she literally has her in-home nurse come by every day. Not to mention the people who deliver her meals and oxygen. What a hypocrite!” While the pandemic continues to be a hot button issue, many people don’t see it as a personal goal to help their community. Wells has reportedly already begun planning on her newest rager, though claims it’s “getting hard to plan a party with all this coughing and headaches and a newfound lack of taste buds.”

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