Chancellor Khosla Finds Holy Grail in UCSD Wastewater

Written by: Bryce Pollack

When one of the unpaid interns got their arms chopped off by an overzealous swing, Khlosa scoffed, “‘Tis but a scratch!”Photo by Jack Yang In an email …


Local Lawyer Disbarred after “Excessive Use” of Taylor Swift Quotes

Written by: Dexter Hamilton

Local Lawyer Disbarred after “Excessive Use” of Taylor Swift Quotes The American Bar Association recently disbarred a criminal defense attorney for unprecedented behavior. Despite repeated requests …


McQueen Tells All

Written by: Miranda May

McQueen Tells All Kachow! I’ve been turned into a cow. Hey guys, it’s me, Lightning McQueen. I bet you wanna’ know how I got here. Well, …


Kamala Harris Under Fire for Staring at Joe Biden, Tapping Watch, and Sighing

Written by: Stephen Lightfoot

White House staff reported seeing Vice President Harris writing “President Kamala Harris” over and over again on a legal pad.Photo by Maria Dhilla Despite being in office …


Gamers Find They Are Bisexual After Playing “Hades”

Written by: Andrew Sitko

Ralphie Zabaria said, “If I’m going to hell, good.”Photo by Jack Yang A sharp spike in self-reported bisexuality has occurred in the United States following the release …


Governor Newsom Ends “Bummer” Stay-at-home Order

Written by: The MQ

Governor Newsom Ends “Bummer” Stay-at-home Order The Governor of California, Gavin Newsom, has recently ended the stay-at-home order afflicting the entirety of California. In a shocking, …


Medieval Times To Open Offshoot Branch Based on Roaring Twenties

Written by: Maria Dhilla

A promotional offer reads: “If you subscribe to Medieval Times’ email list, we’ll send you chain mail!”Photo by Maria Dhilla Medieval Times CEO Kenneth Kim recently announced …


Vending Machine Mixup Has COVID Tests Replaced With Dildos

Written by: Isabelle Mckelvey

“Ask not what your university can dildo for you, ask what you can dildo to yourself,” posed Sterbater.Photo by Jack Yang Chaos erupted last Monday evening at …

Sunday Comics


Written by: Sharon Roth

With her meticulously placed strokes made on a laptop trackpad, Roth, through her depiction of life through a lonely frog’s eyes, deconstructs a modern capitalistic society and reveals fundamental truth of the “gay frog in a boat” complex that has come to define our reality.


Student Copes with Loneliness Through Horrible Film Binge

Written by: Kaz Nuckowski

Student Copes with Loneliness Through Horrible Film Binge The pain of a recent breakup coupled with the stress of remote learning have brought local student Melanie …