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ArticlesCampusNews

Chancellor Khosla Finds Holy Grail in UCSD Wastewater

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When one of the unpaid interns got their arms chopped off by an overzealous swing, Khlosa scoffed, “‘Tis but a scratch!”Photo by Jack Yang In an email …

Briefs

Local Lawyer Disbarred after “Excessive Use” of Taylor Swift Quotes

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Local Lawyer Disbarred after “Excessive Use” of Taylor Swift Quotes The American Bar Association recently disbarred a criminal defense attorney for unprecedented behavior. Despite repeated requests …

Briefs

McQueen Tells All

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McQueen Tells All Kachow! I’ve been turned into a cow. Hey guys, it’s me, Lightning McQueen. I bet you wanna’ know how I got here. Well, …

ArticlesNewsPolitics

Kamala Harris Under Fire for Staring at Joe Biden, Tapping Watch, and Sighing

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White House staff reported seeing Vice President Harris writing “President Kamala Harris” over and over again on a legal pad.Photo by Maria Dhilla Despite being in office …

Briefs

Governor Newsom Ends “Bummer” Stay-at-home Order

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Governor Newsom Ends “Bummer” Stay-at-home Order The Governor of California, Gavin Newsom, has recently ended the stay-at-home order afflicting the entirety of California. In a shocking, …

ArticlesLocalNews

Gamers Find They Are Bisexual After Playing “Hades”

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Ralphie Zabaria said, “If I’m going to hell, good.”Photo by Jack Yang A sharp spike in self-reported bisexuality has occurred in the United States following the release …

Sunday Comics

Kermitsby

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With her meticulously placed strokes made on a laptop trackpad, Roth, through her depiction of life through a lonely frog’s eyes, deconstructs a modern capitalistic society and reveals fundamental truth of the “gay frog in a boat” complex that has come to define our reality.

ArticlesLocalNews

Medieval Times To Open Offshoot Branch Based on Roaring Twenties

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A promotional offer reads: “If you subscribe to Medieval Times’ email list, we’ll send you chain mail!”Photo by Maria Dhilla Medieval Times CEO Kenneth Kim recently announced …

ArticlesLocalNews

Vending Machine Mixup Has COVID Tests Replaced With Dildos

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“Ask not what your university can dildo for you, ask what you can dildo to yourself,” posed Sterbater.Photo by Jack Yang Chaos erupted last Monday evening at …

Top 10

Top Ten Ways to Seem More Mature

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Top Ten Ways to Seem More Mature Tell your friends, “Wow, you’ve grown so much,” everytime you see them Order a black coffee and pretend to …