Governor Newsom Ends “Bummer” Stay-at-home Order

The Governor of California, Gavin Newsom, has recently ended the stay-at-home order afflicting the entirety of California. In a shocking, tell-all interview, Governor Newsom explained his actions, remarking that “Technically, everywhere remains in the purple tier, so this is all still a major bummer. But I really wanted this quarantine thing to be over so I could go back to the French Laundry, and then I realized that, as Governor, no one can stop me! Unless, of course, they’re first to draw blood hand-to-hand combat. So, now we can leave our homes and go to the zoo!”

Many Californians are not happy with Newsom’s decision, however. San Diego resident Bradley Andrea stated, “The guidelines say that you can eat outside at a restaurant now, and I tried to book a reservation, but for some reason, the tables are required to be eight feet apart instead of the old six! Not only that, but the reduced capacity limit is still in place too. It’s even worse than before!”

Andrea Bradley, another San Diego resident completely unrelated to the first, had a different reaction to the change, saying, “Hair salons are open, which is ‘woohoo!’ But I think I’ll stay away for the moment. An article I read during quarantine inspired me to strive for the Guinness World Record of ‘Woman With Longest Hair’ instead.”