Gamers Find They Are Bisexual After Playing “Hades”

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Ralphie Zabaria said, “If I’m going to hell, good.”
Photo by Jack Yang

A sharp spike in self-reported bisexuality has occurred in the United States following the release of award-winning video game “Hades.” The one-shot, top-down, “Diablo”-style campaign centers around Greek mythology. Gamers play as Zagreus, a “shirtless twunk himbo” who gets help from his family to escape the Underworld. The game received much praise and multiple awards from the Golden Joystick and the Game Awards upon release. It also triggered the largest spike in bisexual awareness since 2004.

Selena Domingo, who identifies as bisexual, has logged 215 hours onto the game since she purchased it during the Steam Winter Sale in late 2020. Domingo remarked, “Yeah, I think it’s a nice turn of events that we get some good ol’ bi representation without anyone saying anything about it. Honestly though, the reason I’ve played so many hours is that, after you ‘beat’ the game, there’s still different achievements to get and new weapons to use to smash your way through hordes of enemies. On top of a customizable difficulty setting and a tight-knit speedrunning community with multiple unique run categories,” said Domingo, almost out of breath, “there’s not really a reason to do anything else. So now I’m trying for sub-20 minute runs and sometimes even a no-heat no-hit run.”

While some have enjoyed “Hades” for its gameplay, users like Ralphie Zabaria have focused on the characters. “I’ve been playing ‘Hades’ since it came out, and I watched it on stream before it was released as an alpha version. To be fair, I didn’t even know I was bisexual. I’ve been into girls all my life and I didn’t consider alternatives, but after playing this game and getting to know the characters … well. Now I get it.” When asked about his favorite character developments within the story, Zabaria responded, “I’m sure the dialogue and story are really good, but I honestly can’t remember. I spent my first playthrough staring at the gods for so long that I forgot that the dialogue was supposed to continue. I don’t really remember what Zagreus is doing or why he’s trying to escape, but between Artemis’ thighs-that-save-lives and Theseus’ indomitable bod, I can’t be bothered to figure out what the hell is going on. I’m gonna be real, even Tisiphone and her corpse get-up is kind of disgusting, but in a hot way. It hits different, you know?”

The bisexuality spike surrounding “Hades” has spread to, a streaming platform where viewers can watch streamers play video games and interact with them through a chat feature. One popular streamer, “BillingSpree,” was under fire for nearly two weeks following his hot-headed insistence that he is “not gay,” which he made after he was recorded staring at the character Ares for a full minute.

Such occurrences have led to an influx of “copypastas” saying, “Gee Bill, your mom lets you hold two swords? KappaPride.” The chat spams only ceased when the user “Big_Pogga” linked a YouTube montage containing every instance of “BillingSpree” staring at a god, with total times attached. Extensive research revealed that “BillingSpree’s” average staring time was 73 seconds longer for male gods than their female counterparts. “BillingSpree” reportedly watched the video live on stream before stating, “Ok, maybe I’m bi-curious.” PridePog was spammed in chat.

While “Hades” has helped many bisexuals come out, not every player is a bisexual. One notable player of “Hades” who has denied being bisexual is 47 year old “Randy” from Nantucket who simply stated, “I like the fishing.”

Managing Editor at The MQ

Andrew Sitko was recently arrested by the comedy police and charged for Possession of Killer Jokes. This is their second offense following a Grand Larceny charge from January 27th, 2003.

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