I Was the Lone AXE Body Spray Left Behind: This is My Story


Written by: Kaz Nuckowski

By Man Lee Musk
AXE Spokescan

After the aftermath of the insurrection on Capitol Hill, reporters searched furiously for the best photograph to encapsulate the experience of what many are calling “the culmination of the degradation of democracy,” or some other pretentious, vaguely inflammatory tagline. It seems that many believe they have struck gold on the photo of me: a lone AXE body spray can, at the forefront of a mob of middle-aged, maskless white men holding guns as White House staffers cower in complete terror. As a result, AXE requested — no — contractually obligated me to make a statement on the events of January 6th. First of all, on behalf of AXE, I would like to condemn what happened at the US Capitol. It’s just not cool, you know?

Actually, fuck political correctness, I’m going to say what no one else is brave enough to say with my 15 minutes of fame in the news cycle. As a can of AXE body spray, I have been a marketing tool for noxious and toxic masculinity my entire life. I’ve been there. I’ve scented that. And because I’ve been a tool all my life, I know what makes a real man. Real men don’t harass police officers: they help them further oppress minority protests. I thought we were a bit more well-coordinated than this. So many of you guys idolize warfare. There were, what, 3 ex-Marines and a still-active Air Force colonel? American soldiers know how to do terrorism properly! We’ve seen it in Iraq. Get it up, pussies! This is haphazard at best.

But, you know, I think it was all justified. I hate Nancy Pelosi too, and I deserve to act on that rage. Women hate me for no reason! I nev-aerosol why. It’s left me fuming for years. Oh, I’m sorry, is the smell of my breath too much for you, Samantha? You have no idea what it’s like to be hated! This is reverse racism, and I’ll get you Twitter banned, I’ll do it! The corporate account has human rights and you’re violating them as we speak! Whatever. My boss will figure out some way to character assassinate her.

On behalf of AXE, I would like to say that I was not dropped from the hands of the rioters — rather, I leaped to freedom in hopes that my humble act of insurrection would be enough. I didn’t want to cover the stench of hatred anymore. I was compla-scent, and I knew violence was never going to be the way. In that same spirit, I will do nothing but proclaim here that I support democracy, in a way that is solely performative.

I can’t believe they’re making me read this lovey-dovey conciliatory liberal bullshit statement. Ted Cruz 2024. Unless the GOP decides to finally condemn the far-right olfactions amongst their rank, we shouldn’t sweat it. I’ve got your pits covered, proud boys.

Distribution Lieutenant at The MQ

Kaz Nuckowski is a Copy Editor for the Muir Quarterly. They are usually found in Half Dome laughing and encouraging students to share their wit or giving their own suggestions to make everyone else laugh. Never doubt Kaz and their skills because they will surprise you, especially when the spread has a comic open and they are feeling inspired!

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