November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II


Governor Newsom Found to be Leading a Double Life as Superhero: “The Gavin-ator”

Written by: Jacob King

“You win some, you Newsom,” said The Gavinator.
Photo by Jack Yang

In a feature piece posted online this past weekend, California Governor Gavin Newsom was revealed to be a superhero operating under the moniker of “The Gavin-ator.” The report includes damning photographs of “The Gavinator” taken while the superhero dined at one of California’s newly reopened outdoor restaurants. The governor’s face is clearly identifiable in photos of the superhero removing his mask to take a bite of an oversized cookie in the shape of California.

“I made a bad mistake,” said Newsom in a speech Monday morning. “Clearly, reopening outdoor dining in these unprecedented times will only lead to disaster. I have learned my lesson and issued an executive order to force the immediate closure of these establishments.” The governor’s statement has become controversial as it did not address “The Gavin-ator” issue nor offer a solution related to the problem. The governor brushed off those comments saying his “decision was inline with his administration’s approach to all issues.”

Despite Governor Newsom’s failure to mention his alter-ego, the online world has been abuzz with this new information. Many have already critiqued the superhero for his “horribly lame” and “childish” name. “I mean we really should have known,” said @AnarchistSasuke on Twitter. “‘It should’ve been obvious that the superhero who only protects that great city of Sacramento and whose power is serving inexplicably authentic court orders would be some lame-ass politician.” This sentiment was echoed by those whose hopes of having real-life superheroes were dashed. Another user stated that she was “finally starting to feel hopeful again after the months of lockdown, years of debt, and an ever-approaching climate emergency and then, of course, a politician ruined it.”

The reveal of “The Gavinator” has also sparked excitement in the legal world. The question of the legality of the vigilante justice of superheroes is a popular topic of discussion online, but has never been tested in the real world. Many lawyers are hoping to get a definitive answer to this legal question.

“Although some of my colleagues are excited, this case isn’t actually as interesting as some are making it out to be,” said Jenifier Walters, a top California attorney. “There was no ‘vigilante justice’ actually ever served by the socalled ‘Gavin-ator.’ The only crime that was actually committed was the gross misuse of public funds used to finance ‘The Gavin-ator’s’ little toys. But honestly, pursuing these charges would only cost more taxpayer dollars.”

While intense media buzz and legal concerns surround “The Gavin-ator,” sightings of the superhero have only risen since the article’s release. There are now hundreds of photos online of the superhero, many of which clearly show the governor’s face. Some even feature the Governor striking poses designed to show off one’s muscles. Several witnesses reported hearing him whisper “take that, Arnold,” under his breath.

Even more concerning than the continuation of the governor’s superhero activities is the emergence of a socalled “super-villain.” This individual, going by the name of “The Recaller,” attacked a small business near the California Capitol Building before being swiftly taken down by the governor.

“The situation that transpired this morning shows why we need superheroes like ‘The Gavin-ator,’” said Newsom. “This will require the movement of funds away from certain projects to finance these heroes, so I am sorry to announce that the high speed rail line will be delayed for another four years.”

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