Articles
Third-Year Math Major Forgets How to Spell Numbers
“Why can’t I just use the letter ‘x’ to represent every number I have to spell? That would be so much easier,” remarked Calculus.Photo by Julia …
Next-Gen Game’s $70 Price Tag Effective at Raising Executive’s Bank Balance
“They said we couldn’t make video games that cost $70, but the yolk’s on them,” said Edwin.Photo by Amit Roth Since the release of the PlayStation …
People These Days Don’t Know How Hard It Is to Be an Immortal Wizard
Wizards of San Diego, I come to you all with the most horrible problem I have ever faced in my short 200 years of existence. I …
Local Rancher Inconvenienced by New Breed of Spherical Cow
“I’ll never have to imagine a spherical cow again,” said one physics student.Photo by Millie You This February, cattle rancher Nicholas “Mixalot” Minhoj was “shocked” after …
Board of Education Investigates Chromosome “Homolog Agenda” in Biology Curriculums
“It’s Adam and Eve, not adenine and guanine,” insisted one parent.Photo by Sharon Roth Despite its widespread acceptance as part of a standard biology curriculum, parents …
Costco to Offer Medication Samples
“I love Costco,” said Davis. “I never knew prices so low could make me feel so high.”Photo by Farhad Taraporevala In a groundbreaking move last week, …
Taiwan Bids to Be America’s New Asian Sweetheart in 2023
“Our company stands for ‘Taiwan Says ’Murica’s Cool!’” said the president of TSMC.Photo by Julia Wong In a statement released January 1, 2023, Taiwan announced a …
Student Discovers Their iClicker Works Like Remote from “Click” Starring Adam Sandler
“A, A, A, A, A, A, A,” said one affected professor.Photo by Amit Roth At the beginning of the winter quarter, second-year student Eva Graveller learned …
Health Influencer Launches Brand of Mercury Supplements
“Not only is this mercury great for my health, I also love the way it settles in my stomach!” exclaimed one customer.Photo by Sharon Roth Instagram …
Tesla Unveils Self-Driving Stroller
“Damn those new drivers. Always on their mobiles instead of paying attention to the road,” commented one pedestrian.Photo by Amit Roth Just weeks after announcing that …
