News
UCSD Ranked #1 University by “Getting Hit by a Bike” Magazine
Reporters state that as soon as the interview was finished, another bike crash occurred outside the studio.Photo by Jack Yang UC San Diego has been honored with …
Out-of-State Freshman Won’t Shut Up About How She’s a ‘Cali Girl’ Now
“If Elaine says ‘hella’ one more time, I’m gonna split her surfboard in half,” lamented her roommate.Photo by Jack Yang UCSD Freshman Elaine Eaken’s roommates have …
Local Pastor Promotes Foot Fetish to Combat Premarital Sex
“Remember to leave a little space for Jesus. And socks. It’s sexier with the socks on anyways,” said Pastor Frietche.Photo by Jack Yang This past Thursday, passing …
Hitchcock’s “The Birds” Remake to Feature Bird Scooters
Tickets for the movie start at $1, with 15 cents added per minute.Photo by Jack Yang After 56 years, the Master of Suspense’s 1963 thriller “The Birds” …
Amish Communities Rally Behind Andrew Yang to Fight Wave of Automation
“Aren’t we glad our fragile human flesh is not being pierced by rocks, fellow human women?” asked the metallic Amish woman.Photo by Jack Yang Democratic candidate …
Area Woman Hauls Ass to Meet FitBit Step Goal
According to reports, O’Malley keeps all the donkeys in a pit affectionately known as her “ass hole.”Photo by Jack Yang Area woman Zigi O’Malley held a …
La Jolla Playhouse Premiers "Stomp 2", Featuring UCSD’s Custodial Staff
Several audience members paid for a premium package with “splash zone” seating and $80 “Stomp 2” ponchos.Photo by Jack Yang The La Jolla Playhouse recently announced …
Study Fails to Find Evidence That Succulents Add Personality to Dorm Rooms
The companion study researching whether adding a human to a garden of succulents gave it personality was inconclusive.Photo by Jack Yang First-years across the world were …
Trump’s Tariffs Activate Xi Jinping’s Trap Card, Lowers America’s Attack Points by 500
Trump later assured the American public that he bought “the best cards. The most expensive, most valuable, rarest cards.”Photo by Jessica Ma Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham …
Newspaper Alumnus Writes Article to Convince Herself That Her Youth Hasn’t Disappeared
Hanrahan remarked that the paper is not as absorbent as she remembered.Photo by Jack Yang In an unusual turn of events for local satire paper the …
