News
Freshman Convinced They Found Soulmate During Welcome Week
“There’s just something so amazing about an 18-year-old who knows how to use chopsticks,” said Chessit.Photo by Jack Yang First-year Brittany Chessit recently got into a …
UCSD Student’s Bedroom Confused for Glassware Antique Show
One of the plates pictured was taken for further inspection after scientists found a culture on it dating back to 2013.Photo by Jay Noonan Taylor Fetner, …
Local Student Plans to Hit the Gym Over Summer, Resolution Lasts a Week
“It took me like 10 situps to reach the remote, so I think I’m good for the day,” said Wyland.Photo by Jack Yang Second year Sid …
Local Gamer Returns to Neglected Minecraft Server to Find Ongoing Race War
“It’s all about the framing,” said one pillager analyst on the above image. “What you don’t see here is the years and years of marginalization.”Photo by …
Democratic Candidates Prepare For 2020 Election by “Practicing Civility and Respect”
Glitter from the valentine is projected to last in the Oval Office for three more terms.Photo by Jack Yang Some candidates in the 2020 Democratic primary …
Sans Announcement Causes Trump to Worry About Skeleton Immigration
After opening the invitation letter, Trump was reportedly surrounded by animated text reading, “Donald Trumps the Competition.”Photo by Jack Yang Over the summer, many fans of …
UCSD Begins Construction on New Housing Crisis
“Don’t worry, these dorms are also filled with asbestos,” said Jhaveri after describing the new student housing development on top of Tenaya Hall.Photo by Jack Yang …
Local Glass-Breaking Business is a “Smashing Success”
In response to concerns over possible injuries from broken glass, the store owners reassured customers that “there is nothing to worry about. We have a waiver …
RNC to Propose Monthly Virginity Tests for Women
McDaniel told reporters, “It takes a village to raise a child, and luckily my uterus is owned by our great village of the US of A!”Photo …
Bernie Sanders Expected to be Crucified and Resurrected in First Democratic Primary Debate
After three days, polling showed that Bernie Sanders’ popularity rose again.Photo by Jessica Ma As the first Democratic primary debate of the 2020 election season approaches, …
