“If Elaine says ‘hella’ one more time, I’m gonna split her surfboard in half,” lamented her roommate.
Photo by Jack Yang
UCSD Freshman Elaine Eaken’s roommates have officially filed a request for Eaken’s removal from their suite, citing her “pretending to be a California native” as evidence. Eaken is a freshman at UC San Diego, and originally from Maine. One roommate claims, “She’s so annoying. Every time she introduces herself she says, ‘Hi, I’m Elaine Eaken from Maine. Isn’t that funny? My name is Elaine and I’m from Maine? Not anymore though. I’m a Cali Girl now,’ and it got old really fast.”
Elaine lives in a residential suite with eight other girls, all California natives who wish to remain anonymous. One quote from the request for removal include, “Elaine literally doesn’t even know where we are on a map. She keeps talking about how she’s now living in ‘The Bay Area’ now and keeps asking where the Golden Gate Bridge is.” Another quote reads: “She thinks the songs “California Gurls” by Katy Perry and “California Girls” by The Beach Boys are the same song. And she won’t stop singing a strange hybrid of the two.” A third expressed her exasperation by saying, “Elaine drinks boba tea everyday. She doesn’t even like boba tea, but she thinks it makes her a Californian.”
Sources also say that Eaken picked UCSD as her undergraduate school because it was ranked the #1 Surf School in America by surfer.com, even though UCSD didn’t even offer Elaine’s intended major (Fashion Design). Eaken however, has reportedly only been to the beach once, giving up on surfing after four minutes because it was “too hard.” An anonymous source said that, “She spent the rest of the time tanning and getting a wave tattooed on her ankle. Now she uses the $600 surfboard that she shipped from Maine as “a prop for Instagram posts.”
Eaken’s roommates also report that she shivers throughout the night because “she does not have proper clothes for the climate. She threw away all her sweatshirts and jeans, only bringing crop tops and booty shorts to San Diego.” A 2019 survey by the UC San Diego Office of Admissions affirms Eaken is not alone in this regard; the survey found that 66 percent of Out of State Applicants did not know San Diego could ever be cooler than 70 degrees Fahrenheit and 58 percent did not know it was possible to rain in California. The Financial Aid and Scholarship Office of UCSD wrote a response to this study claiming “This is why our Out-of-State tax is so egregious. To account for what we call the ‘Dumbass Effect.’”
When we asked Eaken for a statement about the claims her roommates had about her, the only thing she said was, “Hi, I’m Elaine Eaken from Maine. Isn’t that funny? My name is Elaine and I’m from Maine? Not anymore though. I’m a Cali Girl now.”
Beans Cox is a crystal carrying, palm/tarot reading, vegan hipster who is obviously from Portland, Oregon. Her favorite type of bean is pinto.
