Volume 26 Issue 2


UCSD Announces New Solution to Student Housing Shortage: Plague

Written by: Melina Cruz

Sources report a stressed out student was heard saying, “I have a midterm tomorrow. If I get the plague, then I get the plague.”Photo by Jack Yang …


SoCal Moms Poison Trees to Capture Fall Aesthetic

Written by: Lily Tholfsen and Isabelle Rupani

Miller shared with reporters: “I have an autumn complexion, so my yard needs one too!”Photo by Jade Coniglio A local Homeowner’s Association has mandated that every …


UCSD Professor Assigns Controversial Vibe Check Instead of Midterm

Written by: Sharon Roth

Sources later confirmed that none of the answers were correct. Photo by Jack Yang Dr. Frank N. Stein of UC San Diego made waves in the …


Promiscuous Frat Boy Misinterprets Title of “Halloweenie” Cookout

Written by: Andrew Sitko

The fraternity reportedly had to cancel their upcoming hot dog fest due to this incident.Photo by Jack Yang First-year Austin Smang was arrested at the University …


Headless Horseman Accepted into UCSD, Considered “Perfect Fit” for Campus

Written by: Aniela Drumonde

The Headless Horseman reportedly felt stress at one point in his life, but “just got over it.”Photo by Jack Yang In a move one anonymous source …


College Student Joins 57 Student Organizations for Free Food, Shocked to Discover They Have Commitments

Written by: Ayushi Banerjee

Mann was reportedly confused when the Prelaw Society asked her when she was coming for mock debates.Photo by Jack Yang Incoming first year at UC San Diego, …


UCSD Wi-Fi Found To Be Powered by a Naked Mole Rat

Written by: Bri Arce

Upon hearing the news, a faculty member from the biology department said, “Oh, so that’s where they go.”Photo by Jack Yang The cause of recent internet …


Manly Flavors Offered for New Male Birth Control

Written by: Matthew Miltimore

Unlike women’s birth control, this can be purchased over the counter, and at lower prices.Photo by Sharon Roth In an effort to make hormonal birth control options …


Student Pissed-Off That God Gives Meaning of Life Instead of Helping Pass Final

Written by: Arthur Torres

“Fuck God and morality, I just need that A,” said Manson.Photo by Jack Yang Kenneth Manson, formerly an atheist, has recently declared his “hatred for God.” Manson’s …


Local Student Outraged That Nobody Cares He is TikTok Famous

Written by: Megan Cox

After the incident, Adamec received an endorsement offer from IHOP.Photo by Jade Coniglio There was an incident at the La Jolla Denny’s last Friday when servers …