UCSD Wi-Fi Found To Be Powered by a Naked Mole Rat

Written by: Bri Arce

Upon hearing the news, a faculty member from the biology department said, “Oh, so that’s where they go.”
Photo by Jack Yang

The cause of recent internet connectivity issues on the UC San Diego campus has been revealed to be a naked mole rat-based power source. The university’s recent, unprecedented focus on sustainable energy has sparked debates over what alternative power source the administration should choose for campus internet. Many suggestions have leaked from the Chancellor’s office and circulated throughout the student body. Previous theories included mini-hydroelectric dams on the man-made stream down the steps to Price Center, and another involving sucking a participant’s life source and harnessing its power for 10 dining dollars in compensation. The current energy plan had been unknown until last Tuesday evening, where a student eyewitness, second-year Mary Jane, confirmed that a single naked mole rat is the sole source of energy for UC San Diego’s wireless networks.

Jane retold the events in which she learned the truth of the wifi’s source in an exclusive interview: “There I was, getting as high as my loan debt behind Geisel, contemplating what it would be like if peanuts and peanut butter were people and if they would get along when I heard this strained breath,” detailed Jane. “I thought it was in my head because I was a little shmacked, but then I realized it was real, and coming from the library. I followed the noise to the bottom floor and looked around to try to find the wheezing. I ended up finding a small storage room that only had a small cage with a bunch of wires popping out of it. That’s when I saw the deformed, shaved cat lookin’ thing that climbed out of the cage toward me. I impulsively named him Rufus because his advances scared me at first, just like my Uncle Rufus. It’s cool now though. We’re buds.”

In response, the chancellor’s office e-mailed out a campus-wide statement confirming the validity of Jane’s account of Rufus the naked mole-rat. The statement urged students to proceed carefully with the wi-fi due to the strain it is putting on Rufus, and suggested students “take responsibility for the inefficiency of the wifi and the maltreatment of animals, as it is the students who overwork the networks and therefore overwork Rufus.” The statement goes on to cite moments when UCSD-PROTECTED decides to fail to work as being due to Rufus’ need for breaks. “Students who overuse wireless networks should be ashamed of their actions and work to make the best of the situation. Only entitled post-millennials would expect to connect to university wi-fi in lecture halls.”

Design Editor

Bri Arce is the Assistant Design Editor for the MQ, responsible for all the pretty colored spreads you see in our issues! A first-year political science major, she is passionate about the aesthetics of the paper and works hard to make it the best it can be.

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