UCSD Announces New Solution to Student Housing Shortage: Plague


Written by: Melina Cruz

Sources report a stressed out student was heard saying, “I have a midterm tomorrow. If I get the plague, then I get the plague.”
Photo by Jack Yang

HDH has determined a solution for the overflowing population of students who require on-campus housing. After rejecting expansion of land, stacking bunk beds on top of bunk beds, and placing mattresses on Sun God lawn, the Housing Community has decided on spreading a plague throughout the campus.

“Here at UC San Diego, we pride ourselves in our readiness for any project imaginable,” said lab worker Diane Cortez. “We’ve managed to work endlessly for the past three months to bring back the Bubonic plague. We lost 10 lab workers in the process, but this is still a very revolutionary moment.”

The plague is to be spread amongst all of the housing complexes on campus, primarily focused on freshman dorms to “rule out the weak.” The strain will reportedly be weakened to avoid mass death or “planet destruction,” but the lab has stated they have “no promises about the final effects.” The plague, dubbed “Sun God’s Smite,” is expected to reduce the student population and overflow by almost 34 percent.

“This is a good thing for both our housing crisis and for our school as a whole,” commented Chancellor Khosla.“It’s like that survival of the fittest thing. Our students who remain are not only the brightest and most innovative, they have the ability to survive in a medieval feudal apocalypse scenario. We might as well make it another GE.”

Reese Fernandez, a freshman living in Tenaya Hall, has stated the student body is divided on the decision. “We’re making the most of it. We’re gonna have a Bubonic Plague party, with coffins to chill in and those sick plague doctor masks. Whoever’s too freaked out has kinda just planned to hole up in their rooms and not go to class. Sucks to be them, but I’m going down partying.”

“I would’ve preferred the 1918 Spanish Flu, but I guess the Black Death is cool,” says Lily Jones, a visual arts major. “If I catch it, I plan to spontaneously die on one of my canvases, with streaks of bright colors and condiments from the dining hall. It’s emotional and captivating, and a commentary on social prejudice surrounding our health.”

Since the plague is due to be released in less than a week, faculty and students alike have been hastily preparing for the Sun God’s Smite. The student body has lined up before the Sun God statue to offer sacrifices for “infinite health and the ability to not die.” Their offerings range from $500 worth of birdseed, a Mona Lisa painting that experts pointed out “might actually be the real thing,” and a statue of Chancellor Khosla made out of beef-flavored ramen. Wealthier students reportedly pooled their money together to add a Hydro Flask made of solid gold.

“To be honest, this is the most community-driven and festive event this school has had in years,” Fernandez said, in the midst of taping up decorations for the Bubonic Plague party. “I feel like we all finally have come together as a school, and I think it’s like the coolest event this school has put on. We think it might even surpass this year’s Sun God Festival.”

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