The fraternity reportedly had to cancel their upcoming hot dog fest due to this incident.
Photo by Jack Yang
First-year Austin Smang was arrested at the University Off-Center’s annual “Hallo-weenie” cookout in RIMAC Field after walking into the open arena “stark naked, holding a Rockstar in one hand and a Four-Loko in the other.” Observers of the event fled the field as the 18-year-old approached them visibly confused. Smang was forcefully apprehended at the scene by nearby UC Police Officers on duty.
ERC resident Alyssa Ruiz claimed to have clearly remembered the incident. “I mean it’s not something you can really forget,” said Ruiz. “I was really looking forward to getting something to eat with my new roommates after we all took the ‘Save the Earth and Ourselves’ pledge by throwing our vapes into the ocean. Anyway, this guy comes running onto the field all naked and started yelling about ‘bringing the weenie.’ He immediately ran away after he saw the two officers running after him. The cookout was cancelled as he was being detained, but I’m ok with it because I read that hot dogs are, like, really cruel to pigs and stuff and they also make you break out.”
Sergeant Randy Wilkins, who was called off vacation for this incident, held a press conference about the chaos that occurred on the field, stating, “The perpetrator is in our custody. He confessed to public nudity and is being charged with indecent exposure, but has refused to admit that he was in possession of alcohol and denies chugging a beer as we chased him across the field.” Wilkins produced a baggie from his floral fanny pack containing a collapsed Bud Light can. “This piece of evidence was recovered on the scene after Mr. Smang crushed it against his head and threw it at our officers in an attempt to thwart his arrest. He is currently locked up in the RIMAC basement where we poke him with our spear named ‘Student Debt’ every thirty minutes. We hope he complies soon so that I can get back to my family in Hawaii. I might bring the ol’ girl back with me though, if the neighbor asks if I want to have a co-cookout with him one more time, I’ll need to show some force.”
Three days after being released from the RIMAC dungeon, Austin Smang shared his side of the story. “So I’m sitting in my dorm room right, and I’m looking around on Facebook just totally hammered, and I discovered this event going on at RIMAC and the description said to meet new people naturally, so I assumed that meant to show up ‘au naturale.’ I brought some drinks to mix easier, but when I showed up there I didn’t even get to my Four Loko by the time I realized that the vibe of the cookout was off and the girls were like four outta tens. I was known as the ‘King of the Sixes’ in high school, so I needed to run away. The cops tackling me was just like a huge coincidence that you really shouldn’t spend time on and please don’t tell my frat.”
Smang has been hailed a hero by the nudist colony of UCSD who have been detained in the RIMAC dungeon numerous times for their refusal to wear clothes. They’ve released the statement, “We are proud of Austin Smang for going against the fascist bureaucracy of UC San Diego and will associate him as one of our own,” to which Smang asked to “never be associated with those freaks.” As tensions settle, Thanksgiving enthusiasts in charge of the “Turkeyfest” taking place in La Jolla Shores are making sure that all attendees to their feast are aware that, “This is not Black’s Beach, giblets should stay inside the pants throughout the meal.”
Andrew Sitko was recently arrested by the comedy police and charged for Possession of Killer Jokes. This is their second offense following a Grand Larceny charge from January 27th, 2003.
