“Fuck God and morality, I just need that A,” said Manson.
Photo by Jack Yang
Kenneth Manson, formerly an atheist, has recently declared his “hatred for God.” Manson’s belief and disdain for a higher power began to grow alongside his fear of going home to his parents only to be asked how college was going. Over the summer quarter, however, Manson began to seek out a “nice little church” where he could start asking God to help him pass the quarter.
Manson claims that he received an answer to his calls. According to Manson, while in a self-induced epinephrine high, “God’s voice breached my dorm’s ceiling and warned me that abusing my younger brother’s allergy medication would result in my death. So I finished my physics homework and watched some porn before finally going to sleep around three in the morning. When I woke up, I thought I’d go look up a church to get some answers.” When asked if he wasn’t scared God was watching, Manson replied, “God watches everything, and if he’s going to judge me for watching hentai for the plot, then he should have predestined me better.”
Local pastor Carlos Santiago recalled seeing “a disheveled young man” enter his congregation. “The moment he entered the congregation I knew his soul was in pain. It was clear he was looking for answers. It’s just a shame he didn’t heed the Lord’s words and decided to leave our flock.” Santiago currently holds two PhDs in the Humanities, a law degree from Yale, and 26 ongoing lawsuits regarding sexual misconduct. Unfortunately, no comment was received when Santiago was asked about his legal troubles’ effects on his congregation. Reporters were told Santiago was at the biannual toys-for-tots drive.
In a follow up interview, Manson declared, “I’m finding my own meaning.” During a mental breakdown fueled by his failed summer classes, Manson claims that he realized “the saying ‘God works in mysterious ways,’ is just some bullshit to make him unaccountable. Now I finally understand that there is no need for a church when one can have a personal relationship with God.”
Sources say Manson was later heard screaming “Let’s see how God likes it when I test him!” during “peak raccoon hours” in Sixth College. Manson has recently changed his major to architecture and is planning to minor in dead languages. A witness said that they were “confused by what this babel means.”