November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II


Headless Horseman Accepted into UCSD, Considered “Perfect Fit” for Campus

Written by: Aniela Drumonde

The Headless Horseman reportedly felt stress at one point in his life, but “just got over it.”
Photo by Jack Yang

In a move one anonymous source believed was “more of an accident than anything,” it has been announced that the Headless Horseman has been selected to be the first prospective student of Seventh College. The UCSD Admissions Committee has cited the Headless Horseman’s “brainless, mindless personality to be a perfect fit for the mind-numbing, overly competitive atmosphere we are trying to develop at UCSD.”

The Headless Horseman, currently a New York resident, plans to officially tour the campus on Friday, November 1st, but has admitted to already stalking the bike paths looking for the best study areas to haunt. “I do like the oppressive silence of the library, and the mind-breaking stress that occurs there, but I find myself most partial to all the lurking I could do in the brush outside the library building itself. I can study for whatever classes I have while also finding out if Becky’s relationship with her boyfriend on the east coast will work out while she juggles 8 a.m.’s and beating the curve for her 20 page paper that in no way relates to her future career.”

“I’m not sure why the school is trying to promote toxic campus culture regarding personal care and mental health,” shared Andrea White, a third-year Economics student. “People are literally hurting themselves every day, and UCSD is treating this issue like a badge of honor or something.”

Despite the concerns raised, the Headless Horseman reportedly appreciates the campus’s lack of mental health resources. “I’m very good at separating all the different parts of my life. Nothing like losing your head to get you to forget about the little thoughts that might get to you, like ‘Why am I so anxious over nothing?’ and, ‘I feel like I’m gonna die if I don’t pass this exam.’ Just get over it, it’s not like excessive stress is bad for your health or anything.”

When asked about why the school was not putting more funding into mental health resources, a spokesperson for UCSD reportedly laughed and insisted the administration understands the issue and will “just bring in more therapy puppies this year. Hiring actual professionals will take away funding for construction and our salaries.”

Since the announcement, an additional session has been added to the UCSD therapy puppy event at Price Center. When questioned on what she thinks about UCSD’s rationale behind accepting the Headless Horseman as a student, third-year student Sophie Green replied, “Yeah, I’m not surprised the people behind admissions don’t care about us current students. Regardless, I need all the mental health help I can get. The next period I could get in to talk to a licensed professional at the Mental Health Office is in two months. Let me have this. Just this one thing. Please. Let me have this one thing.” Following the interview, Green continued to pet the therapy puppies until a chime from her phone went off, and she ran off, complaining about changes to the syllabus.

The Headless Horseman remains confident that UCSD students will stop complaining about the lack of mental health resources and eventually adopt the “mindless, robotic” campus culture that he represents once he enters the school. “Why be anxious when it’s so easy to stop thinking about anything? Just do what I did and cut your head off.”

EIC Elect at The MQ

Former Editor-in-Chief. Like an ouroboros, her jokes consume themselves until no one knows whether they were ever funny. But they are.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *