“Remember to leave a little space for Jesus. And socks. It’s sexier with the socks on anyways,” said Pastor Frietche.
Photo by Jack Yang
This past Thursday, passing out miniature feet-shaped flyers and raffling an XXX Tesla Foot Massager 4000, Bob Frietche, the 75-year-old pastor of Humperdinck Church in Torrey Hills, was seen proselytizing his Christians For Foot Fetishes Association (CFFFA) to the UCSD populace. The CFFFA promotes foot fetishes as a safer, “holier” alternative to premarital sex.
“Go at it all you want, so long as it’s with your feet,” says Frietche. “Our Lord put your feet and your sexy parts next to each other in your brain so that you wouldn’t need to lose your virginities. You can explore your sexual desires without violating your relationship with God. This was the way it God meant it!”
Frietche is well-versed in the non-religious side of the foot-fetish issue as well. “It’s a lot cheaper compared to other fetishes. There’s no need for high-quality toys, elaborate costumes, and multi-lever harness systems which you have to buy discreetly on Craigslist.” When prompted on why he knew so many details about other sexual fetishes, Friechte turned away from reporters to offer fist bumps to a passing group of Alpha Phi Kappa fraternity brothers. None of his fist bumps were returned.
Witnesses say that students were avoiding Frietche, citing his “barrage of foot-shaped flyers, the dull smell of cheap cologne, and rank sweat of an old man” as reasons for walking away. When informed about this, Frietche remained unfazed. “They’ll be back. They always come back.” Sources later reported that Frietche failed to attract a single student for the day.
Responding to the many complaints of the Jehovah’s Witness members also advertising on Library Walk that Friday, campus security officers approached Frietche and asked him to leave the premises. Frietche reportedly tried numerous times to convince the officers to “repent for your sexual sins and look at feet instead.” One officer, Westen Toeintino, took a flyer, however he along with the other officers insisted that Frietche leave. Citing Luke 7:36-50, Frietche, “fuming with religious rage,” turned to the group of onlooking students screaming, “If Jesus let that whore touch his feet, you can too!” Following his announcement, Frietche disappeared in what religious experts consider “a purple poof of perfect logic and sexual loopholes,” leaving behind his foot-shaped flyers, and the XXX Tesla Foot Massager 4000 for the raffle number 43110. “The device has been left at the UCSD Parcel Center and will be returned to Frietche if nobody claims it within five business days,” shared a UCSD campus security representative.
The CFFFA is not alone in its effort to spread other alternatives to combat the rise in premarital sex. Other organizations have embraced anal sex as another alternative. The Anabaptists Association for Anal (AAA) has promoted anal sex as their method of choice. “Preventing vaginal penetration by male genitalia is the utmost concern to us and to our creator,” said Molly Flanders, head of the AAA. Flanders explained they support gay sexual relationships, as long as it is “strictly sexual and nothing but,” citing Leviticus 18:22. “For heterosexual relationships, we endorse anal sex both ways: guy-on-girl and girl-on-guy action.” To support the latter cause, AAA has invested hundreds of thousands of dollars to create a supply chain for premium Tesla X-4000 Strap-Ons for the reduced price of $15.99. Molly Flanders claims she is “proud to be combating one of the world’s most pressing issues, one strap-on at a time.”
After Frietche’s disappearance, students were seen periodically digging through the trash bins where campus janitors had deposited the posters. Officer Toentino has recently admitted to switching to appreciating his girlfriend’s toes instead of engaging in safe, premarital sex.
