Area Woman Hauls Ass to Meet FitBit Step Goal

Written by: Sage Cristal

According to reports, O’Malley keeps all the donkeys in a pit affectionately known as her “ass hole.”
Photo by Jack Yang

Area woman Zigi O’Malley held a press conference last Wednesday to commemorate the grand opening of her new donkey transport service. During the press conference, O’Malley shared her vision for the new business in a speech that some referred to as “moving.”

“The idea of a Donkey Carrier service came to me in a restless daydream. I was sitting on my couch watching TV when my FitBit told me it was time to haul ass and get my steps in for the day. Then it hit me! What better way is there to haul ass than to actually haul some ass? It was then that I started to create a business model for Ass Transit,” said O’Malley.

Since the grand opening, O’Malley reports gaining as many as 300 clients, as well as completing an upwards of 15,000 steps a day in delivering donkeys straight to the doors of those who need reliable transportation. O’Malley tells reporters that she was initially shocked by the widespread interest in Ass Transit and attributes its success to the general public’s heightened interest in environmentally-friendly sources of transportation.

Craig Calhuddy, a self-described “active Ass Transit user,” told reporters, “We all know that cars are just horrible for the environment with their fossil fuel emissions. But it wasn’t until recently that I learned about the harming effects of bicycle riding. A segment from NPR said that riding your bike for an hour a day creates more than 50 pounds of carbon dioxide waste from exhalation alone, which contributes towards global warming. That’s why I almost exclusively use Ass Transit. Riding a donkey is just so much more practical for the 21st century. Now I can happily say that I don’t get gas, and that I solely ride ass.”

Local conservationists have yet to determine the environmental hazards that Ass Transit poses, since the service only began a week ago. However, animal rights activists have voiced their criticisms of Ass Transit’s business practices. Melanie Wedlow, a representative from the World Wildlife Foundation contacted reporters to share her concerns for the widespread use of Ass Transit.

Weldlow said at a press conference on Friday, “Sure, Ass Transit may be beneficial for reducing our carbon footprint, but we are forgetting the other beings that make up our environment. In the past decade donkeys have been used primarily in impoverished countries as a way to carry cargo over long distances. However, there are way more packages in this world than there are asses who can compensate for them. Now we are facing the problem of improper breeding practices whose goal is to erect as many asses possible. It’s wholly inappropriate.”

Despite naysayers, O’Malley said she hopes to continue to expand Ass Transit so she can provide asses to more people. “It’s funny,” said O’Malley, “The other day I stopped in the middle of a route and reached for a jack. That’s when I laughed at myself and realized why Ass Transit is so successful. I don’t need a jack. I’ve got all of this ass, but it won’t go flat!”

Fairy Godmother at The MQ

Sage Cristal is the woman of your dreams. She sings, she dances, and has a WWE Championship Replica Title Belt. She is currently training to be the next American Ninja Warrior.

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