Hitchcock’s “The Birds” Remake to Feature Bird Scooters


Written by: Pilan Scruggs

Tickets for the movie start at $1, with 15 cents added per minute.
Photo by Jack Yang

After 56 years, the Master of Suspense’s 1963 thriller “The Birds” still frightens cinemaphiles to the core. With fowl frenzies, gruesome injuries, and pecked-out eye cavities, the film has held up exceptionally well and become a genre classic. Now, director Martin Evans has announced his intent to remaster the film with plans for a 2023 release date to coincide with the 60th anniversary of the original.

Evans, until now primarily working as an assistant producer for suspense films, reportedly wrote a rough draft of the film the morning after a bizarre dream. “It was amazing, as if I’d had some vision from beyond or whatever. I was able to take what was on the border between a bad dream and a nightmare and turn it into what has the chance to be a pretty awesome movie.”

Thus far, details are scarce, but Evans has leaked that the “birds” of his take will be none other than Bird scooters, which have recently started appearing in major cities across the nation. Rather than having vicious winged avians attack innocent civilians, he says that he wants to suggest a reality where the electric scooters have a significant role in terrorizing the population.

“Right away I thought of zombies riding them or having some other way that Bird scooters would contribute to a massive pandemic, but then that seemed a bit too ridiculous even by today’s standards,” Evans commented, “so now I’m considering a setting where anthropomorphic scooters remain hidden from society. Initially they just murder their riders by carrying them into traffic, off of bridges, or into other pedestrians. But when humanity realizes their sentience, they become much more aggressive and just attack everybody regardless of whether or not someone is riding them.”

Evans explained that he ideally wants to use Bodega Bay as the setting as a tribute to Hitchcock’s original film, but stressed that it was not essential. If Bodega Bay’s residents refused his offer, Evans said that his next choices would be San Francisco or Seattle since it would be “ironic to set the film in a city that prohibits their use.”

“I’m trying to go for a not-too distant future vibe,” Evans said. “The film will not include any crazy technological leaps in order to really resonate with the audience and scare them into believing that this is conceivable. Of my industry friends that I have contacted, so far most of them like the basic framework, so I don’t expect to have too much trouble getting funding.”

When asked why he decided to turn his dream into a film instead of brushing it off, Evans revealed his intense loathing of electric scooters. “Most of the time people who ride them are way too reckless. They think they’re so high and mighty and that everybody else must yield to them. They’re also pretty much impossible to hear until someone flies past you at 40 mph and nearly rips your arm out of its socket.”

Evans revealed that he hopes his film will be both a tribute to his favorite director and an attack on reckless riders. “Ultimately, it’s about creating the element of fear. Wouldn’t you be less inclined to ride a Bird after watching a movie where they terrorized the local population?” However, Evans had no comment as to his film’s potential to dissuade children from riding traditional scooters.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *