Newspaper Alumnus Writes Article to Convince Herself That Her Youth Hasn’t Disappeared

Written by: Brie Hanrahan

Hanrahan remarked that the paper is not as absorbent as she remembered.
Photo by Jack Yang

In an unusual turn of events for local satire paper the John Semesterly (JS), 31 year-old JS alumnus Brie Hanrahan volunteered last Sunday to write an article for the paper, her first since she graduated from UCSD in 2010.

According to JS staff writer Peter Swinton, Hanrahan responded to a post in the paper’s Facebook group calling for article ideas, pitching the headline, “JS Alumnus Writes Article in Bid to Convince Herself that Her Youth Hasn’t Disappeared”.

After receiving a positive response, Hanrahan reportedly grew excited and spent the rest of her evening posting party photos from 2007 to 2009, eventually leading to a panic attack induced by the gradual realization of her own mortality and the fact that a significant portion of her life was already behind her.

“None of us were sure who she was, but she seemed really excited about writing the article,” Swinton commented. “Then she started trying to use ‘yeet’ and ‘fire’ as a joke, and posted like five hundred old photos from her college years. We’re just kind of hoping that if we let her write this article then she’ll leave us alone. She’s started messaging some of us asking if we want to hang out and we’re kind of worried that she’s actually going to drive down here from Oakland.”

When approached for comment, Hanrahan reportedly claimed that she was secure in her age and just thought that writing an article would be a fun way to reconnect with her past. “It’s not like I don’t enjoy my thirties,” Hanrahan said, gesturing to the four foot-wide desk where she spends most of her time. “The office has snacks in the kitchen, and I can take time off when I’m sick. Or, well, I can work from home.”

Hanrahan paused after saying this, staring at the concrete pillar next to her desk for five minutes before continuing,“It’s fine.”

Submitting articles for a newspaper to which she has not contributed in a decade isn’t the only way that Hanrahan is maintaining her youthful outlook. Sources close to her say that she can frequently be found jogging, maintaining a healthy credit score, and sobbing in front of a mirror screaming, “That’s not me. Please. That can’t be me. No one told me that it
would be like this.”

When asked about her plans for the future, Hanrahan reportedly looked afraid. “Articles. More articles. If this JS is anything like the JS I know, every production weekend is a scramble for content. I’ll keep writing. Nothing has to change. Nothing has to end. I’m still funny. Please let me stay here, please let something last. Something. Anything. I don’t want to die.”

Written by Brie Hanrahan

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