“Aren’t we glad our fragile human flesh is not being pierced by rocks, fellow human women?” asked the metallic Amish woman.
Photo by Jack Yang
Democratic candidate Andrew Yang’s potential looks promising, having earned the backing of America’s prominent Amish community with his bold stance against the “advance of automation.”
A Silicon Valley veteran, Yang brings attention to the growth of self-driving cars, automated assembly lines, and delivery drones; all of which reportedly threaten to eliminate American jobs. While his beliefs have put him at odds with his fellow tech entrepreneurs, Yang has found near unanimous support from agricultural communities throughout Pennsylvania and Ohio.
Constituents in Middlebury, Indiana came out to show their support of Yang last week, hosting a small festival to receive the presidential candidate during his stop on the campaign trail. The event was not televised, in accordance with the wishes of the Amish, but reports claim a huge turnout to the event, with celebrations of the community’s prized livestock and local food.
As Father Miller, the town’s leader, said in an interview, “It’s the least we can do for him, coming all the way out here to preach the good word. I only recently learned of Andrew Yang’s existence and his origin in Silicon Valley from an associate outside Middlebury. The whole process has shown to me a troubling amount of information about the modern world, but Mr. Yang and his messages have put me at peace.”
“And, of course, we Amish finally have the chance to elect a President who shares our distrust of machinery. I have always had fears of mechanical men and women who might hide among the living, waiting for their chance to overturn American Judeo-Christian values with pornography and laser beams. If Mr. Yang can deliver what he promises, it will surely mean the arrival of the golden Millenium – one where the grain will be plentiful, and there will be no uncouth children to kick us in the butt and joke about our lifestyles on their telephones and computers. I truly believe that without digital screens before their eyes, the people of America may finally begin some honest work and return to good old Christian values.”
Still, some voters are skeptical. “What drives this carbon-based lifeform to claim that humans are superior to machines?” asked Primus Rossum, a self-described ‘person’. “He suggests giving a ‘universal’ basic income to all humans, when robots are the ones risking their lives to do the work no human is prepared to. Yang can only hold off the robotic revolution for so long – while he is fated to expire in approximately 27 solar years, the machines are built to last centuries.”
“He will be of no consequence,” said Helena Rossum. “Sorry, I mean, what do I care, as a fellow human? My only interests are watching videos of cats, eating digestible food, sending HTTP requests to
social media sites. The usual.”
Yang’s tour through the Amish communities of America will continue in the following weeks, despite rumors of freak lightning strikes and the sudden appearance of several naked, muscular men on his campaign trail, bearing the Amazon logo.