News
Area Woman Hauls Ass to Meet FitBit Step Goal
According to reports, O’Malley keeps all the donkeys in a pit affectionately known as her “ass hole.”Photo by Jack Yang Area woman Zigi O’Malley held a …
La Jolla Playhouse Premiers "Stomp 2", Featuring UCSD’s Custodial Staff
Several audience members paid for a premium package with “splash zone” seating and $80 “Stomp 2” ponchos.Photo by Jack Yang The La Jolla Playhouse recently announced …
Study Fails to Find Evidence That Succulents Add Personality to Dorm Rooms
The companion study researching whether adding a human to a garden of succulents gave it personality was inconclusive.Photo by Jack Yang First-years across the world were …
Trump’s Tariffs Activate Xi Jinping’s Trap Card, Lowers America’s Attack Points by 500
Trump later assured the American public that he bought “the best cards. The most expensive, most valuable, rarest cards.”Photo by Jessica Ma Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham …
Newspaper Alumnus Writes Article to Convince Herself That Her Youth Hasn’t Disappeared
Hanrahan remarked that the paper is not as absorbent as she remembered.Photo by Jack Yang In an unusual turn of events for local satire paper the …
Move-In Day Fiasco Leaves Student Swearing Off On-Campus Housing
“Guys, we should make shirts,” Rivers said, as his roommates avoided eye contact.Photo by Jack Yang After another year of working to find the perfect Move-In …
Freshman Shocked to Discover Nobody Cares About His AP Scores
“You think I can use my five on the AP Stats test for anything other than bragging rights?” asked Shultz. “I paid too much for it …
VMAs Announce New “Urban Music” Category to “Celebrate Diversity”
The committee ultimately decided that Eminem wouldn’t be a part of the section due to his “clearly suburban haircut.”Photo by Jack Yang After their controversial decision …
Stuart Art Collection Unveils Newest Piece to Upset Students
Augin and Carry commented that it was meant as a reminder that “there’s always time to be an inconvenience.”Photo by Jack Yang Last Tuesday morning, university …
Local Man Studies Abroad, Experiences No Jet Lag Due to God-Awful Sleep Schedule
Maples gets up each morning for a “light jog” around the neighborhood to see the sights, “just like anyone else would.”Photo by Jessica Ma After paying …
