White House Hires Plumber to Fix Leaks

Written by: Quoc Tran

“No offense to my boss, but duct tape can’t really fix these leaks,” said Secretary Stewart.
Photo by Jade Coniglio

White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney announced on Tuesday the addition of a new position to the United States Cabinet: the Secretary of Plumbing. Following recent leaks that have damaged the reputation of President Donald Trump and his administration, the White House has named Marion Stewart as the acting Secretary of Plumbing, who is primarily tasked with repairing the numerous leaks that have come out of the White House. Stewart’s appointment is still pending Senate confirmation, and it is still unclear whether Stewart’s confirmation hearing will be a contentious one as neither party has yet released an official position on plumbing. However, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer has been known to support welding.

Like many cabinet members of the Trump administration, Stewart is a newcomer to public service, having spent the first 14 years of his career as a general handyman serving the greater Houston area. State and city records show that Stewart only started his apprenticeship in plumbing in 2004 and changed his business card from “Handyman” to “Plumber” in 2008. Explaining his appointment of the relatively inexperienced plumber on Twitter, President Trump said, “He is a very enthusiastic plumber, maybe even one of the top 10 in the Houston area. He even agreed to come on a Sunday to repair my clogged drain,” followed by five star emojis. The tweet was directly copied from an Angie’s List review of Stewart by Martha Johnson of Galveston, Texas.

Mr. Stewart’s appointment was met with surprise, considering no new cabinet positions had been added since 2002 when President Bush appointed Tom Ridge as the Secretary of Homeland Security following the September 11th terrorist attacks. The Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, was reportedly perplexed but affirmed his support for Stewart’s nomination. “I don’t see why the White House would need a plumber to fix these leaks, but I’m sure that President Trump’s choice is the right one. I once asked him for a recommendation for an electrician for my house and he gave me a recommendation for his son-in-law, Jared.”

Other politicians in Washington received the news with varying levels of enthusiasm. The Green Party nominee in the 2016 Presidential election, Jill Stein, spoke highly of the choice, calling the White House’s move to eliminate leaks from the administration one that “champions the cause of water conservation.” Democratic House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was “just as confused about the choice of Mr. Stewart as the Secretary of Plumbing as many others,” but reflected on the appointment, musing, “maybe we should have gotten Hillary a plumber in 2016.”

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