November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II


Sorority Girls Experience Near Death on Local Torrey Pines Hike

Written by: Hanaa Moosavi

Activity, Hiking, Looking, Reading, Summer

“If we get out of here alive, I swear we’re gonna take that trip to Spain,” Fillis said to Stutten.
Photo by Jay Noonan

Sorority sisters Jessica Fillis and Rebecca Stutten of the Kappa Sigma chapter of Delta Gamma recently returned from a hike after losing their airpods during the event. The girls describe the experience as “like, the absolute end of our lives.” The annual “Hike, Not Strike,” hosted by Delta Gamma, was arranged to promote positive protesting habits and to raise money for new tote bags.

Fillis and Stutten joined the other girls late in the hike and reportedly took the wrong trail.“I told them not to come if they were going to be late to the hike,” Patricia Summers, social chair, told reporters, “those girls would get lost with a map attached to their Hydros so it totally doesn’t surprise me that they went in the wrong direction.” As social chair, Summers was “totally in charge of the entire event,” and “spent literally forever” planning the hike. “When I see them next, they are totally getting their fall letters taken away and, like, are definitely taking me out to dinner, like, with a Mai Tai and a pizookie included. I am so disappointed in their sisterhood social representation.”

“When I checked to see if my airpods case was still on my hydro and my hand came up empty…” Stutten paused and asked for a “cry break” before continuing the interview. “I could not believe it. My daddy got me those pods when I got bid to Delta Gamma, and my sister even made me a case with our letters. I, like, just couldn’t be without those pods. At that point, I had to find my pods, even if it took me all night.” Stutten and Fillis were declared missing for a total of four hours during the hike. Police were called and provided helicopters that eventually found the girls five miles off the trail.

“Well you see, the girls from Chi Omega totally passed us while we were looking for Becca’s pods and didn’t even ask us if we needed help. They are so entitled, like only ‘cuz their ratings are like 300, but that was, like, totally not sorority sister behavior, especially during Hike, Not Strike,” Fillis told reporters. “We were lost already and the dirt getting on my brand new Lulus was really getting on my nerves. Like, of course Becca would lose her pods. We went to the hike to talk to each other, like, what was she going to use her airpods for anyways? God, talk about lack of sisterhood. Anyways, she was like swinging her hydro really hard through the hike, so we decided to look through the bushes and I guess we totally went off course, but it was for a good cause, the pods had to be found.”

Police have posted signs warning future hikers to avoid venturing off trails in order to collect lost goods. Delta Gamma has put an official freeze on the Hike, Not Strike event and have fined hikers Stutton and Fillis $100 each for “like, totally not following our sisterhood code.” They released an official sorority statement on the matter: “These rules are made because sisterhood is, like, super sacred. I swear, we’re not being dramatic or anything, we just have to acknowledge that breaking our sorority clique would literally be the end of the world. Like, nothing else could possibly be worse and if that happens, like, literally pack up your scrunchie and get out.”

Social/Publicity Ottoman at The MQ

Whether you’re at a FOOSH showcase or an MQ meeting, you’ll be sure to hear Hanaa Moosavi laugh—even through her own jokes, and we love her for it. You can catch Hanaa lurking on Facebook, serving her god Mark Zuckerberg as the Muir Quarterly Social and Publicity Ottoman. Hanaa has also been sighted chowing down on her favorite food in the Muir quad, developing her latest scheme to become the first emperor of America: one chaotic MQ comic at a time. That is, when she isn’t crying over dog pictures.

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