The pictured thief reportedly got away from the scene by disappearing into a huge cloud of paper straws.
Photo by Jack Yang
Amber Alerts across the UCSD campus continue to disturb students and faculty as an increasing amount of Hydro Flasks are reported missing. Many reported seeing a person with a shell necklace taking hydros left behind in lectures. An alarming number of people that match this description has made the search for the culprit difficult, as the number of people wearing shell accessories, large shirts, and an overwhelming amount of scrunchies is still growing. UCSD Police Dept. claims that this is the doing of the emerging cult that goes by the name of “Women Seeking Chic Objects,” or WSCO, which shows no signs of slowing down its influence.
The string of thefts began during Week 1 of fall quarter, when multiple Amber Alerts describing pastel colored Hydro Flasks adorned with ‘sk8er boy’ stickers were stolen after they were accidentally left behind. Many students throughout the campus are on edge, with some going to creative lengths to protect their bottles. “I lost a Hydro Flask I’ve been using since high school,” said one victim of the thefts. “I’m so scared of how basic these girls are, I’ve started to carry my new bottle in a paper bag so they can’t tell what it is.”
Amidst the missing flasks, students also reported many in-class disruptions by the members of the cult in their lectures. Karma Santinos, a local sophomore, stated, “These students in my lectures that look like surfer bitches are always dropping their hydros in the middle of class. They laugh really weird too, it sounds like a snake having a seizure.”
Other student reports include allegations of harassment, including scrunchy throwing, excessive promotion of Starbucks sippy cups, and having an overbearing opposition to plastic straws while ignoring all other forms of plastic waste. As one student reported: “I’m just constantly being bombarded by the messages from these people. I got hit by a rain of scrunchies when these girls thought I was about to throw away my metal straw. Can these bitches get any more crazy?” When questioning members of this strange group, investigators would report receiving useless responses as, “Save the turtles,” a string of “vaguely liberal” noises, and judgment on their perfume preference.
As UCSD campus security continues to spread awareness about the disruptive culture of WSCO, students across campus have begun to take preventative measures against further theft, such as remembering that they have their hydros with them, exercising caution with classmates who use “basic liberal” vernacular, and using plastic straws along with the sippy lid at the same time to reassert their standing. “It is imperative to not let your guard down around these women,” said Officer Keith Jones in a public statement. “They’re on a rampage, but God help me they can’t take us all down.”