News
NFL Releases Collaborative Script for New Season
“Romeo, o Romeo, wherefore art — oh, shit, wrong play,” said Kenny Pickett.Photo by Amit Roth In a series of advertisements designed to raise excitement for …
SPIN Scooters Unionize
“I don’t feel like this strike is going anywhere,” said one scooter. “We’re just spinning in place.”Photo by Millie You As students return to campus this …
Ninth College to Become UCPD’s New Training Center
“I wondered why my laptop wasn’t charging,” said one student. “Turns out they arrested my plug.”Photo by Amit Roth and Julia Wong UC San Diego Chancellor …
Library Discovered to Be Full of Facts
“Wait, gullible is really in here?” said Wu Reeds, sorting through a dictionary.Photo by Farhad Taraporevala Researchers at UC San Diego have published a “shocking” result: …
La Jolla Coffee Shop to Require Three-Acre Land Ownership for Restroom Access
“Finally! A place where I can shit in opulence,” said one Sand&Foam guest.Photo by Amit Roth An upcoming amendment to the employee training guide of La …
Salk Researchers Find Chemicals in Water Supply
“Chemicals in the water supply? Next thing you know they’ll be putting chemicals in food!” said one parent.Photo by James Woolley In a new report from …
ExxonMobil Claims Leaving Refrigerators Open Can Solve Climate Change
“Global warming is temporary, but commercial refrigerants are forever,” said ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods.Photo by Farhad Taraporevala In the wake of this year’s extreme weather, from …
Eighth College Mandates Construction GE Beginning Fall Quarter
“I heard this was a really easy class,” said one Eighth College student, “but the hats are so hard.”Photo by Sharon Roth and Connor Betterly In …
UCSD Cuts Costs by Hiring Giant Eyeball to Proctor Exams
“It’s a lie,” said one student. “If someone dies during the test, you don’t automatically get an A.”Photo by Amit Roth As students walk into their …
UCSD Biology Debuts Discussion Sections with 300 Students
“Let’s get that kiss cam goin’!” exclaimed one student.Photo by Sharon Roth The Epstein Family Amphitheater hosted the Department of Biological Sciences’ Shame ’n’ Sack Showdown …
