News
Turnitin Decides 26 Words or Fewer is Not Plagiarism
The leading originality checking program, Turnitin, has announced this past week that it will not mark plagiarism that consists of 26 words or fewer. Turnitin is …
New Research Attributes All Human Progress to Accidental Imbalances in Scale of Good and Evil
A new research paper released by a worldwide collaboration between historians, scientists, and archeologists revealed that the entire progression of human history depended not on human …
Millennials Dump Illuminati, Embrace Scientology as Ultimate Truth
In a surprising mass exodus, millennials are beginning to leave the Illuminati, one of the United States’ most popular cults, for a more “retro” form of …
Stevie Wonder Lands Plane on Hudson River
Manhattanites found their day grinding to a halt Monday afternoon to witness a miraculous display of airborne prowess. A private Cessna Citation Bravo experienced engine failure …
Trump Campaign Hires Tony the Tiger, “They’re Great”
The formal resignation of former Trump Campaign Manager Kellyanne Conway early last week came as a surprise to Donald J. Trump for President, Inc. and the …
Circus Fans Disappointed that Mother Teresa’s Canonization Means Something Else
Patrons of Ringding Brothers Circus Co. felt disillusioned this week when they realized they would not be seeing their favorite Catholic nun, Mother Teresa, catapulting through …
Apple CEO Haunted by iPhone 7 Feedback, Steve Jobs’ Ghost
Just two weeks after Apple’s September 2016 Keynote, the newly announced iPhone 7 has been met with negative feedback due to the phone’s lack of headphone …
Libertarian Party Polls at Record Highs, Nobody Notices
Recent polls show Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson polling at an earth-shattering 13 percent versus Democratic and Republican candidates Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, respectively. “This is …
Dakota Pipeline Helpfully Threatens Native Lands
Energy Transfer’s Dakota Access Pipeline, a projected crude oil pipe spanning North and South Dakota, Iowa, and Illinois, has received great praise in recent weeks for …
Tornado Unfairly Redistricts Communities, Republicans Say
Tragedy struck mainland Iowa this week when the worst tornado in recent history ripped its way through Madison and Des Moines. However, some are saying that …
