News
Only Good Roles for Actresses Over 50 are as Asian Men, Tilda Swinton Shows
As Doctor Strange is set for release in early November, with a projected opening weekend box office in the hundred millions, more actresses are realizing that …
Recently Reopened Planned Parenthood Re-closed
The national debate over reproductive rights took yet another unexpected turn as a Texas abortion clinic was re-closed for the 47th time since its opening in …
Student Happy to Spend Entire Summer and Bank Account on Internship
As the academic year starts again at UCSD, most returning students will be entering the lecture halls, reminiscing with their friends and sharing tales of traveling, …
Man Gets Athlete’s Foot, Finds It in His Mailbox
This past week, area man Chris Ella found himself quite perplexed. Although he kept himself and his environment very clean, Ella was self-diagnosed with an athlete’s …
FDA Approves Dave’s Thursday Night Plans to “Hang with the Guys”
This week, the Food and Drug Administration approved pharmaceutical CEO Dave Forfa’s plans to “just go grab some wings and catch the game” this upcoming Thursday. …
U.S. Makes Extra Small, Extra Large Wallets Adjusts to Income Inequality
Lead wallet producers across the nation are uniting to create new lines of wallets varying greatly in size, but all equally stylish. The shift in design …
Area Man Finds Key to Happiness in Meditation, Two Kilos of Cocaine
Area man Marcos Stoffer was in his apartment late Monday night when he had a breakthrough in his life-long search for the key to true happiness. …
Local Diner Overhauls Menu, Serves Only “Shit Sandwiches”
Eagles’ Cafe, a popular local restaurant, has implemented drastic menu changes as part of a general overhaul of the restaurant’s branding, expected to continue into this …
California Union Union Members Go On Strike, Halting California Union Strikes
The California Union Union, the largest California professional “union union,” which protects union union members working in unions, went on strike Friday, effectively ceasing most of …
President Erdogan Outlines New Plan to Use Ataturk Rolling Over in Grave as Renewable Energy Source
The turmoil in Turkey following the recent failed coup attempt in July seemed to find a reprieve last week as Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan announced …
