News
White House Legalizes “Good” Treason
On September 20, 2025, President Donald Trump blanket pardoned all participants of the January 6 insurrection and legalized treason in the United States. When asked for …
Tapioca Express offers limited-edition Kiki drinks
On-campus boba shop Tapioca Express recently announced that through the end of Week One, they will be running a limited-time menu of Kiki drinks. The new …
Local Student Adopts Dorm Woodpecker
This summer, Housing, Dining, and Hospitality issued the largest fine in university history to an unnamed Revelle student after the student left over 50 holes in …
Masc Lesbian Faces Backlash for Outfit Choices
Local lesbian Alexander showed up to Eighth College orientation wearing a “green Weezer shirt, yellow khakis, and a fluorescent pink fanny pack” to the horror of …
BREAKING: Anonymous Does Nothing Again
Last July, Anonymous, a self-identified group of decentralized “hacktivists,” posted a video on all social media platforms condemning the “dirty, rotten, gross, even” state of the …
Department of War to Honor UCSD with Naval Base
“Yar har, me class-mateys,” said one self-proclaimed “First Matey.”Photo by Destiney Friday After years of loyalty to the United States Department of War, President Trump has …
America Balkanizes
Wyoming reportedly did not notice.Photo by Dylan Schmidt After a typo in a Supreme Court decision annulled the entirety of the U.S. Constitution last week, the …
Students Struggle With Dorm Heat
“Cool me down like you’re supposed to do,” said one student. “Sweat runs down my thighs.”Photo by Ezra Bihis As UC San Diego students move in …
Price Center to Open Long-Awaited Sperm Bank
“The future is coming,” said lead designer Elliot D’Amore.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Last week, UC San Diego announced the opening of the Triton Seed Vault — …
UCSD Introduces ‘Low-Speed, No-Rail’ System
“I have yet to see a villain tie someone to the road,” one student commented.Photo by Amit Roth Amid a flurry of UC-wide budget cuts, UC …
