Volume 25 Issue 2
Humanities Professor Forgets to Close Porn Tab Before Lecture, Promptly Resigns
Evan Burnsbury, a UCSD professor in the humanities department, quit his job after displaying a pornographic website on the projector in front of his HILD 2A …
UCSD Announces Destruction of Revelle, Marshall, and Muir to Make Room for Upcoming Seventh and Eighth Colleges
The world-renowned University of California, San Diego announced its decision to tear down Revelle, Marshall, and Muir Colleges to make space for the upcoming Seventh and …
Top Ten Reasons Why the Cops Are at Your Neighbor’s Door
1. The plan worked
2. Their family meth lab finally exploded
3. Your friend ordered the strippers to the wrong address
4. It’s CopCon 2018
5. You switched the numbers on your house and their house
6. They needed to borrow some sugar
7. You and your friends solved the mystery of who’s scaring people down at the pier
8. They accidentally hit “reply all” when they were talking about their bank robbery
9. It’s La Jolla and they have more than six girls in one apartment
10. That’s what you get for living next to a bunch of cops
CALPIRG Hires Ghosts to Harass Students in Their Dreams
UCSD CALPIRG Chair Sophie Haddad announced on Tuesday that the money from the CALPIRG student fee referendum students approved last Spring Quarter will go toward a …
Apologetic Professor “Feels So Bad” About Requiring One Thousand Dollar Textbook
Following the conclusion of the first round of midterms at UCSD, university administrators were reportedly surprised to learn that Professor Rico Goldwater’s ECON 180 class no …
Top Ten Reasons You Should Be Suspicious of That Doctor
1. When they write a prescription, they say they’re referring you to “their dealer”
2. He insists that people refer to him as “Mr.” instead of “Dr.”
3. They pushed the idea of a prostate exam a little too hard
4. You’re pretty sure they’re a pre-med student
5. For some reason they keep salting you
6. They’re using their stethoscope as a belt
7. Half of the office is being used as a meat locker
8. You saw them looking things up on WebMD
9. They have their doctorate in journalism
10. They own the mortuary next door
Boy Scout Badges, Third Grade Reading Level to Be Considered in Sexual Assault Cases
Colleges nationwide will begin to take relevant details into account when handling accusations of sexual assault, such as honors won in the Boy Scouts, third grade …
Ghostbusters Caught Releasing Ghosts in Alleged Criminal Profiteering Scheme
In a recent public statement, New York City Police Commissioner James O’Neill announced that the Ghostbusters were arrested following a no-knock raid at their headquarters. Following …
UCSD Introduces ‘Pay-to-Sit’ Classes
“After calculating statistics on class sizes, waitlist enrollment, and similar things, we realized that we had a major problem brewing,” admitted Natalie Jameson, a representative from …
UCSD Implements New “Hunger Games”-Style Lottery to Deal with Overflow
An unprecedented number of students were admitted to UCSD this year, exceeding the amount of available on-campus housing. Overflow students were redistributed around campus as a …
