The only person that got to be a Computer Science major after the event was Jennifer Lawrence.
Photo by: Jessica Ma
An unprecedented number of students were admitted to UCSD this year, exceeding the amount of available on-campus housing. Overflow students were redistributed around campus as a stopgap measure. This temporary solution has been met with pushback from students, especially transfers in The Village who have been forced to live in overcrowded rooms. A more lasting resolution did not emerge until October 8, when campus administration announced that these “lucky” overflow students would have their housing arrangements determined by a new “’Hunger Games’-style” lottery.
Members of the Chancellor’s Cabinet expressed confidence in their remedy for the situation. “This event will have much of the same enthusiasm as the UnOlympics,” an anonymous official stated. “Thus, we will gather unsuspecting freshmen who have nothing better to do than come watch.” They dubbed the special event “The Education Games,” and prizes will include proper living arrangements, continued enrollment at the university for the winners, and free t-shirts.
All overflow students will gather in RIMAC Field. Numerous weapons and equipment will be available, ranging from balloon animals leftover from TritonFest to heavy metal bats donated by Triton Athletics. “The last 100 students standing will be scattered into other colleges, excluding The Village,” one official clarified. “After their latest riot with picket signs and squirt guns filled with mysterious liquid, we chose to leave the transfers alone.”
“One thing I’m sure of is that this will skew some numbers on freshman GPA statistics next year,” commented a professor from the Cognitive Science Department, when questioned about how this will affect student health. “But I wouldn’t worry! These are UCSD kids, they’ll be fine with a few brain cells obliterated.”
When questioned about the ethical implications of this “fight to the death,” the cabinet rushed to defend their actions by emphasizing how this will represent the importance of UCSD’s reputation.
“Surely, the message this will send to students is that UCSD is a school ‘worth dying for,’ so to speak,” declared Chancellor Khosla. “We can further develop our image and massive importance in the city of San Diego. It’s much like our constant construction projects that the general public couldn’t ignore if they tried; no such thing as bad publicity!”
The cabinet discussed allowing overflow students to compete in a second game if “The Education Games” are a success. They base the entire Class of 2023 housing process off this type of event. Regardless, all overflow students must be prepared to fight for their spot in the Class of 2022.
“This is kind of lame, to be honest,” said overflow freshman Peter Miller, while sharpening a metal ruler into a shiv. “If I wanted to go somewhere I’d have to crush and maim my peers just to keep my spot, I would have applied to Berkeley.”
