Volume 23 Issue 3
Top Ten Goals Obama Has for His Last Month in Office
Upgrade Obamacare to Super-Mega-Obamacare Take all the copper out of the walls Play “Mad World” through every room speaker as he touches every curtain Install that …
Top Ten Things that Will Happen If California Secedes
UC Riverside’s national ranking will rise exponentially Nevada will finally get the coastline it has always wanted We’ll get to use the metric system like normal …
Top Ten Similarities Between Babies and Cinnamon Rolls
“I have one in the oven” Just kind of a messy ordeal If left alone long enough, both will grow hair Generally do better if paler …
Top Ten Reasons to Cut Down More Trees
It’s currently too easy to breathe To spruce up your dorm room Where else is Seventh College going to go? Because no one heard you the …
Area Senior Pretty Sure Next Quarter Will Be Better For 11th Time in a Row
Area senior Steve Reynolds announced this week that, despite this quarter “taking him by surprise” with the amount of work 12 units of classes required, he …
UCSD Announces Therapy Furries Program
After discovering the success of Therapy Fluffies, UCSD has created a new program to help students de-stress without having to battle dander allergies. On Thursday, UCSD …
Nation Needs Mariah Carey to Wish for Snow
Environmental scientists discovered the true cause of climate change; they believe that all environmental catastrophes can be traced back to the year 1994, when Mariah Carey …
New Study Finds Three Cats is Too Many Cats
A recent study from the Cat Relations department at the University of California, San Diego found that three cats is too many cats. The study was …
Area Man Dumps Spare Brain in Vat
A man awoke last Friday morning to gaze upon his mysteriously acquired spare brain. Deciding that he no longer needed an external manifestation of knowledge, he …
Breaks Time, Man Builds Time Machine
Scientists have joined to stabilize the continuum, but don’t believe they can fix time until either 2073 or 307 B.C. “The first thing I did with …
