Volume 25 Issue 1
Top Ten Things You Didn’t Expect to Find in that Time Capsule
1. A picture taken of you just yesterday
2. Your financial aid
3. A Vallartas burrito. This is probably still good, right?
4. Little Kassandra. She went missing all those years ago …
5. The ancient evil your forebearers sealed away
6. A peaceful resolution to the Israel-Palestine conflict
7. A check from 1960, where the minimum wage is somehow higher than yours
8. Malaysia Airlines Flight 370
9. A second, smaller time capsule
10. Yourself
“This Family Has Gone to Shit, Dagnabbit,” Local Grandfather Announces at Family Reunion
At a recent Baker family reunion, local grandfather Charlie Baker recently stated he was “completely fed-up with everyone’s petty buffoonery.” Baker had reportedly set-up the reunion …
Top Ten Things to Leave Off Your Resume
1. Your ability to watch three seasons of any given show in one day
2. Trained expertise in heavily embellishing job application documents
3. The estimated age and weight of the interviewer
4. That time you kicked a child
5. The blood type you think tastes best
6. Ties to Russia
7. Your freelance mortician days
8. Your lack of 20 years of experience at age 20
9. Your cameo in Wild Sluts 4
10. Social Media Advisor: Elon Musk, Summer 2018
UCSD Freshman Pushed Off Campus, Finds Housing With Scary Old Witch in Candy House
UCSD freshman Hammond Angretal has reportedly found off-campus housing for the 2018-19 school year with a scary, old witch who lives in a gingerbread house in …
Self-Respecting Metalhead Found Listening to Pop in His Bedroom
Local metal enthusiast Solomon Parker was found by his roommates in his bedroom last night, on his bed listening to Ariana Grande’s latest album. Solomon is …
Review: Eminem’s New Restaurant Misses Its Chance to Blow
After a long period of secrecy, Marshall Mathers, commonly known as Eminem, announced the opening of his new Italian restaurant,Mom’s Spaghetti. When I learned of Mom’s …
Area Student Will Be Grounded If He Doesn’t Clean His Room Right Now
Area student Hayden Collins has had a messy room for one week too many. If he doesn’t pick up all the dirty clothes and empty chip …
EDITORIAL: Amazon Prime Student Made Shopping for My First Year of College So Easy!
OMG! You guys would not believe what cute stuff I got for my dorm, all from shopping exclusively on Amazon! From enchanting floral string-lights to a …
Your Happy Place Destroyed in Hurricane, Insomnia Sweeping America
The imaginations of Americans everywhere have been impacted by Hurricane Destinee, a ravaging natural disaster that destroyed the Happy Place that helped millions fall asleep or …
UC System Announces Indentured Servitude as a Payment Option
Following an annual meeting of the UC Regents, a representative announced that the UC system will expand its payment options in response to increasingly harsh economic …
