By Tiffany Munoz
College Freshman
OMG! You guys would not believe what cute stuff I got for my dorm, all from shopping exclusively on Amazon! From enchanting floral string-lights to a cozy humidifier, Amazon made it easy to decorate my dorm room, while ignoring the fact that I am one of the millions of people helping Amazon monopolize multiple industries! So cute!
When I was accepted into my local four-year university, I was just so excited. It meant that I was able to qualify for Amazon Prime Student! Once I got my classes figured out and my room assignments finalized, I took to Amazon to do some shopping. Beyond buying all my dorm room essentials from Amazon, I was able to buy all of my textbooks from Amazon, too! Even though Amazon purposefully lowers the prices of their books in order to put local bookstores out of business, I don’t mind! I’m just happy to help contribute to Amazon, who accounts for 75 percent of all online book sales! It’s thanks to loyal customers like me that our schools and firefighters are receiving less money from sales tax since Amazon pays zero (yes, zero!) dollars in local and state taxes. Isn’t that sweet?
Once I had my textbooks, I realized I would miss a lot of my favorite snacks and meals that I ate a home. That’s how I realized that Amazon could ship me all of my favorites (at least until they open their physical grocery stores)! Since Amazon bought out Whole Foods for $13 billion, I can rest easy knowing that I’ll never have to purchase fruits and vegetables from honest vendors ever again.
After having my yummiest snacks delivered via drone (how futuristic and not at all worrying!), I almost forgot to buy a chair for my desk. But that was no problem for Amazon! Not only could I buy a chair from their website, but I could purchase a service that would send someone to help assemble it when it arrived! Now, instead of helping to support my local businesses by purchasing their services, I can just contact the businesses that Amazon controls! Just last week, I ripped my favorite dress, and instead of taking it to the seamstress in my local area who took great care to be kind and speedy, I sent it to one of Amazon’s businesses for a few bucks cheaper! Sure, the seamstress might go out of business, but I didn’t even have to leave my home to get my dress fixed!
Not only is Amazon making my life easier by selling every good or service you could ever want, but now that I’m in college, I can rely on Amazon as my news source as well! That’s right! Amazon just bought out the Washington Post! Whether their motives are to keep the public from recognizing their inhumane treatment of workers in warehouses (did you know Amazon warehouses have paramedics on standby for when their workers pass out from exhaustion? How thoughtful!) or whether Amazon wants to sell their products within news articles (although Buzzfeed and other sites are already doing this, thank heavens!), I couldn’t be more excited. I’m just so elated to see Amazon’s valuation balloon into more than $250 billion. And I couldn’t be happier to know that through my patronage, Amazon will become an unstoppable force in our capitalist economy! Yay!
The premier satire magazine at UC San Diego.
