Briefs
Amazon Buys the Catholic Church
Last Sunday, Pope Francis, head of the Catholic Church, announced his intentions to resign from papacy, effective immediately. His resignation was accompanied by an Amazon announcement …
Linguist Discovers True Meaning of Christmas
As a result of the resoundingly successful United Auto Workers’ strike negotiations, academic workers are cashing in the micro-sabbaticals the University of California added to their …
Innovative Carpet Bombing Combats Atmospheric River
With an atmospheric river bringing torrential rainstorms to the San Diego area, the Air Force scrambled into action, launching a mission to divert its flow. Air …
NFL to have most Technologically Advanced Super Bowl yet
On February 5, Roger Goodell, commissioner of the NFL, announced that Super Bowl LVIII will be the “most technologically advanced ever.” “We have ensured that Allegiant …
In-N-Out Burger Unveils New Secret Menu Item: The Quintuple‑Quintuple®
Last week, California franchise In-N-Out Burger debuted the Quintuple-Quintuple® to appeal to a wider audience. An official statement by the Food and Drug Administration declared it …
White House Mandates New ‘mNRA’ Vaccines
In a controversial move last Thursday, the White House announced that all members of the military will be required to receive an “mNRA” vaccine to remain …
New Candidate for New York’s 3rd Congressional District Announced
Soon after the House of Representatives voted to expel George Santos from his position, several candidates from both sides of the aisle announced their bids for …
Psychoanalysis Wrapped — Your Top Armchair Diagnoses in 2023
If your day-to-day interactions with strangers were anything to go by, 2023 was a hard year for you. You exhibited 2,133 different typical behaviors that people …
Rocket Launch ‘Went Perfectly’
After another launch of SpaceX’s Starship rocket culminated in a “rapid unscheduled disassembly,” one expert noted: “This means that it blew up (in other words, the …
UCSD to Replace All Footpaths with Scooter-Only Lanes
In a controversial decision last Tuesday, the UC San Diego facilities department announced a plan to convert all the footpaths on campus into scooter-only lanes. Ryder …