Briefs
Quarter System to Be Replaced by More Rigorous Quarter Quarter System
The University of California has decided to move away from the quarter system at its universities. According to statements released by the UC, the quarter system …
“HOT SLOTS” Found to be A Social Media Mystery
Ezra Lambert, a self-identified millennial, awoke to a vague and confusing text message on his iPhone last Wednesday morning. The message contained various references to stripclubs, …
Protagonist is “Nothing but Dust in the Wind”
Area final boss Ersatzy, Crown of the Void’s Teeth, was heard proclaiming that local protagonist Avery Puck was “like him, nothing but dust in the wind, …
UCSD Hypnotist Discovered to Incorporate Threats in Act
To commemorate Muir College’s 50th anniversary, Chuck Milligan, a security guard-turned hypnotist, was brought to entertain first year students. This seemingly well-intentioned rousing of limp students …
Chip-On-Your-Shoulder Recently Promoted to Time- To-Freak-The- Fuck-Out-Alarm
An up-and-coming Chip On Your Shoulder has been slowly but surely building up its confidence to become more than a minor nag. After successfully spreading its …
Area Student Finally “gets” Own Sense of Humor, “Hahaha”
Local student Kevin Chu realized, moments before graduation, that he had achieved his four-year goal of comprehending his own sense of humor. “Hahhahahahaaha,” laughed Chu to …
Senior Continues Tradition of Missing Deadlines
Fourth year Gabriel Evans has extended his stay at UCSD by one quarter and enrolled in classes for Fall 2017 as a result of missing his …
Local Frat Has Tear-Filled Final Butt-Chugging Contest of the Year
Local frat Phi Chi Psi’s final butt-chugging contest of the year was filled with heartfelt moments and meaningful speeches that attempted to capture the scary nature …
Student Writes 220-Word Paper in 30 Minutes
Okay, good stuff, gonna get this paper done, it will be great. First things first, music. Oh man, I have not listened to Coldplay in a …
“Kiss Me, I’m Irish” Shirt Too Barf Ridden To Be Considered Green
O’Drunkagain’s Pub in South Boston has reportedly refused service to longtime patron Sam Kennedy this St. Patrick’s Day, stating his “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” shirt could …
