News
Baby Boomer Declares Phones Toxic to Youth While Downing Bottle of Vodka
Local retired businessman and baby boomer Jerry Tomblin declared cellphones to be “the scourge of youth” while finishing his second bottle of Belvedere Vodka early this …
Revelle Student Sparks Controversy Over Illicit Photo of Professor Performing Cha-Cha Slide
Last week, a first year Revelle student reportedly put up an obscene image in their dorm window for all to see. The visual in question was …
White House Aide Unable to Teach Trump to Use Chopsticks
President Donald Trump recently spent nearly two weeks in Asia to discuss trade, meet with world leaders, and eat his favorite American food with a slightly …
Local Big Name Corporation Graciously Allows Santa to Beg For Money on Premises
As the season of giving approaches, a local corporation, Malwart, has given a local charity the privilege to avoid being ticketed for solicitation while shamelessly begging …
UCSD Ends Fundraising Schemes, Has Enough Money to Surpass Khosla’s Dreams
A statement released by UCSD on Friday has confirmed that after ruthless fundraising in recent years for large scale, unspecified growth, the university has finally raised …
Male-Conducted Study Finds One in Five Women Are Victims of an Amazing Joke They Didn’t Get
Allegations of sexual harassment in the workplace have been on the rise recently as women everywhere have begun to report instances in which they have experienced …
Santa Discovered to Be Allergic to Pine Needles
In a shocking turn of events for families everywhere, Santa Claus has announced that he is allergic to pine needles. Claus shocked the public when he …
Road Closures to Impact UCSD Nature Reserve Following Kaiju Breakout
Last Tuesday evening, UCSD announced to the entire campus via email that construction would result in road closures near the campus’s nature reserve next to MCAS …
New HILD Series to Cover Long Forgotten Holiday Thanksgiving
The UC San Diego History Department unveiled a new lecture series on the history and celebration of Thanksgiving available starting this Winter quarter. The new lecture …
Santa Protests Increasingly Early Christmas Celebration, Possibly Communist
As the holiday season approaches, there have been some protests from the North Pole. Elves feel as if they are being overwhelmed with Christmas wish lists …
