Santa Discovered to Be Allergic to Pine Needles


Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

According to reports, several concerned parents will be leaving out glasses of Nyquil instead of milk.
Photo by: Jessica Ma

In a shocking turn of events for families everywhere, Santa Claus has announced that he is allergic to pine needles. Claus shocked the public when he released a statement that those who put out real Christmas trees this year should not expect to be on his route this Christmas. Tree guidelines will be delivered to all Christian homes in the coming weeks by reindeer delivery.

Mrs. Claus expressed particular worry for Mr. Claus’ health: “This has been affecting him for years now. Despite misconceptions, Santa isn’t actually obese, he just gets a lot of swelling when exposed to the trees, and it’s not just pine needles. Unless the red nose thing is just contagious, he’s become allergic to Rudolph too.”

The Claus family has been struggling to keep up with their work schedule as test runs constantly go awry. Many elves in the workshop have changed positions, and are now making EpiPens full time. This new allocation of labor has lead to shortages and mixups in the Claus operation with a reported 50 percent of the workshop now working on EpiPen production.

The elves remaining on toy duty now experience an unrealistic workload. One elf told reporters, “Last year, I didn’t even get to make Susie Johnson’s doll. That was what kept me going, and I don’t know if I can stay in this line of work if she gets stuck with one of the excess EpiPens again.”

Some sectors of the workshop have reportedly sent a team to work with American Girl to create a new doll, “Bennie Dryle,” made of materials more readily available in the workshop.

Claus’ doctors say the problem is only getting worse. “It looks like he’s becoming lactose intolerant as well,” said allergist John Languorem. “I recommend that families put out almond milk and dairy-free cookies for best results this Christmas. Trust me, you don’t want to be in the same room as Santa when he drinks milk now. Unless one of your presents is an air freshener, get some almond milk this Christmas.”

Health professionals and historians everywhere recognize these new developments as the end of what we currently know as Christmas. After more allergies and dietary restrictions develop, Santa may have to retire and a new gift-bringer will be decided through what one historian called “War on Christmas 2,” which he predicted will be “Coming to Graveyards this Holiday Season”.

Santa Claus is reportedly still coping with what this will mean for his career. “It’s hard to watch, man. I walked in on the old guy stuffing his face with cheesecake and sobbing quietly to Mariah Carey’s Christmas album,” reported Claus’ assistant, Cheery N. Jollyelf.

Local parents expressed their outrage. San Diego mother, Holly Boughs, stated, “How does Santa feel? What are you, seven? Santa isn’t real!” before turning to her husband and saying, ”Speaking of, what should we get little Susie this year? I’ve been hearing EpiPens are really in this holiday season.”

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Dan Kaliblotzky is a fourth-year at UCSD. He aspires to find a career in soulful heavy metal Phineas and Ferb covers.

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