Santa Protests Increasingly Early Christmas Celebration, Possibly Communist

Written by: Rowan Hernandez Cosme

Recently, propaganda has emerged, reading, “He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’ve been a capitalist pig.”
Photo by: Daniel Kupor

As the holiday season approaches, there have been some protests from the North Pole. Elves feel as if they are being overwhelmed with Christmas wish lists as they arrive as early as late October, and only seem to be coming earlier each year. Many have blamed the children themselves, believing them to be growing more and more impatient. However, well-known North Pole industrialist Santa Claus believes businesses are to blame, a sentiment which has sparked debate over Claus’ ideological loyalties.

“Kids have always been impatient, that’s no problem,” Claus opined. “And the faster world isn’t bad. It is nice that most of the lists are only emails, it saves a lot of paper. What’s really happening is businesses are getting louder and louder, putting Christmas stuff into stores early so they can sell it for longer.”

Though some agree with Claus, many more have expressed outrage, saying among other things that “his views are completely wrong,” and “there is nothing wrong with exploiting a holiday so owners of large companies can get money that they probably don’t need.”

One such large company owner, Edward Neezer, believes that not only is Santa anti-capitalism, but that he is, in fact, a communist.

“Think about it,” stated Neezer. “He gives toys away completely for free, instead of making kids work for it. He dresses completely in red, just like all communists. He’s also Turkish, which I think is close to Russia, so they’re probably all communist.”

In addition, many parents are talking about how Santa’s statement may be detrimental to children, including one Bailey Potter, who believes Santa’s “insidious agenda” could ruin kids entirely.

“I mean, are we supposed to teach kids they should just share things? For free?” Potter questioned. “I know I don’t give my kids anything for free. I can’t spoil them. They can’t even get water unless all their chores have been done and they give me a dollar.”

Both Bailey and Neezer have decided that it is not enough to simply have parents teach their children how they are supposed to act “in the wonderful, benevolent embrace of the invisible hands of the free market.” The two have initiated a campaign to revise national school curriculum standards to include a full hour of capitalism appreciation, with an additional fifteen minutes explaining the many problems with communism and Santa Claus.

Claus has further amended his statement to say that he meant Christmas “should be a time of love and kindness, not solely about money and gifts.” As a result, many parents are starting to take their children out of school to have them start work early, making sure they do not get Christmas Eve or Day off. Additionally, they have planned to keep their fireplaces lit all night on Christmas Eve, just in case.

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