News
Child Politician Criticized for Inconsistency After Position on Favorite Color Changes
Wilson responded to critics: “What can I say? I don’t see color.”Photo by Jack Yang Five year-old politician Desmond Wilson recently stated that his favorite color is …
Scripps Institute of Oceanography Creates First Human-Whale Hybrid to Survive Rising Oceans
One spectator called the hybrid “impossible to escape, impossible to forget.”Photo by Jack Yang Dr. Margaret Lienen, Director of Scripps Institute of Oceanography (SIO), recently confirmed that …
Soldiers Enraged as Mouse and Keyboard are Disabled for Potential WWIII
Vargas complained that disabling mouse and keyboard would ruin his “epic 89% accuracy rate.”Photo by Jack Yang On Monday, January 13, US Secretary of Defense Mark Esper …
President Trump Announces Plan to Leave the EU
Trump later tweeted that he was sure the US’ performance of “God Bless Texas” would win the Eurovision contest despite it not being an original song.Photo …
Local Biology Professor Loses Funding After Lab Stocked With Antibacterial Soap
Sources heard the bacteria protesters shouting: “Please, just one sneeze! We’re starving!”Photo by Jay Noonan Longtime cell biology researcher Alexander Conrad recently announced that his lab lost …
UCSD Student Proposes $300 AirPod "Earrings"
Following the release of the product, both ear infection rates and the model’s Instagram follower count reportedly skyrocketed.Photo by Sharon Roth Reports find that Apple’s wireless earbuds …
Disney Confirms Elsa is Not a Lesbian, But Sven is a Furry
Disney executives have reportedly confirmed that Elsa will be introduced to a new female “best friend roommate” for “Frozen 3.”Photo by Jack Yang Amidst rumors about Queen …
Life Revealed to be an Elaborate Game of Mad Libs Played by the Gods
“Oh, this ought to be a good one,” said Tian Gong, looking at the line: “Jesus was __ (Race).”Photo by Jack Yang In a booming announcement from …
Groundhog Day Inner Circle Reveals Punxsutawney Phil as “Treacherous Warhawk”
Rumor has it Punxsutawney Phil grows stronger every time someone misspells his name.Photo by Sharon Roth Only a few days after he declared an early spring, serious …
Local Charmin Ultra Soft Bear Household Stocked With Strong Toilet Paper, Charmin Bear Child Found Passed Out in Bathroom
“Maybe we should just switch to wet wipes,” commented Ultrasoft Charmin Bear Mom.Photo by Sharon Roth Various bathrooms in the house of a Charmin Ultra Soft bear …
