Groundhog Day Inner Circle Reveals Punxsutawney Phil as “Treacherous Warhawk”

Written by: Matthew Miltimore

Rumor has it Punxsutawney Phil grows stronger every time someone misspells his name.
Photo by Sharon Roth

Only a few days after he declared an early spring, serious concerns have been raised regarding Punxsutawney Phil, the beloved weather-predicting groundhog from Pennsylvania. A whistleblower from the Inner Circle, the group tasked with overseeing the annual Groundhog Day celebrations, released a series of leaks which, if true, reveal the shocking nature of Phil’s power and personal character.

A piece of common knowledge surrounding Phil that has now fallen under scrutiny is his advanced age. While most wild groundhogs have a lifespan of around six years, “Ol’ P. Phil” has been alive and making predictions since 1886. One of the most damning pieces of evidence revealed by the anonymous source can be found in the Inner Circle Handbook, in which the authors detail how “although the public remains under the impression that Punxsutawney Phil is 136 years old, in truth he was born hundreds of thousands of years ago in the deepest bowels of an ancient volcano.” The piece goes on to reveal how Phil maintains his boyish good looks through the creation of an “elixir of life” referred to colloquially as “groundhog punch.” The concoction requires, amongst other ingredients, “seven gallons of young groundhog blood.”

Moreover, a leaked 2011 recording of Phil and then-President of the Inner Circle Richman Sneezebottle reveals the two discussing how Phil, in 1995, became the Chief Financial Officer of Halliburton. Halliburton is a company which carried out large amounts of military contracts during the Iraq War. Phil goes on to claim how he profited from the war: “The President was practically giving me these defense contracts, I mean — oh gosh, this dandelion and coltsfoot is delicious — yeah, but I mean I made a lot of money.” The conversation was spoken entirely in groundhogese, a rare language spoken mostly by groundhogs and a few Inner Circle members.

These revelations have left many long-time supporters of Phil feeling confused and betrayed. Among these former admirers is Charles G. Hogg, better known as Staten Island Chuck, the former groundhog meteorologist of the Staten Island Zoo and long-time champion of anti-establishmentism. Chuck gained notoriety when in 2011 he bit Mayor Bloomberg on his hand. “I’m incredibly disappointed in my fellow groundhog,” remarked Mr. Hogg, “I’ve always admired his knack for weather prediction, but I just cannot stand behind a war profiteer. He’s not a groundhog to me, he’s a groundpig! Oink oink Philly, hope you choke on your own shadow! Go Mets!”

The validity of these accusations remains unclear, and although Phil predicted an early spring, he is already in a lot of heat.

Staff Writer at The MQ

Flattened in a distro cart accident, the MQ replaced his bones with leftover printer ink. With his increased lank, Matt has become a pivotal writer for the MQ through his fluidity. Whether demonstrated through his mastery of satire or being used as a keycard when we lock ourselves out of the office, Matt is a key asset to the writing team.

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