“Maybe we should just switch to wet wipes,” commented Ultrasoft Charmin Bear Mom.
Photo by Sharon Roth
Various bathrooms in the house of a Charmin Ultra Soft bear family were recently loaded with Charmin Strong toilet paper rolls, leading to deep abrasion injuries. “When I saw it, I knew something was wrong,” said Charmin Bear Boy, “it was sticking straight down, no floppiness at all. It looked as hard as a rock and as sharp as a knife! I wanted to run outside and call my dad, but I can’t go outside without wiping! I yelled and yelled. “MOM! DAD! This toilet paper isn’t ultra soft! It’s Charmin Basic at BEST! But in the end, it was no use. I had to use the toilet paper.” Charmin Bear Boy injured both his hands after attempting to hold the toilet paper. He did reportedly succeed in gripping it, but passed out from blood loss immediately afterwards.
The incriminating toilet paper was reportedly placed by a Charmin Ultra Strong bear family during a Charmin Bear potluck. “We never go anywhere without toilet paper,” said the Ultra Strong Charmin Bear Dad, “and thank goodness we came to that potluck prepared. I took one look at the ridiculous insect-wing-strength paper they had there and I ran straight out of the bathroom to fetch my own from the car.” Other members of the family also express little regret for their actions on that day. Ultra Strong Charmin Bear Mom said, “I’m surprised their paper even stood up to gravity, it was so soft. I was worried it would disintegrate if I touched it.” Ultra Strong Charmin Bear Grandmother commented, “I need toilet paper that feels like a washcloth made of the bottom of cleats. But just being in the room with that weak roll of fabric I could smell the stink of flimsy, useless, garbage toilet paper. Or maybe it was just the result of a toilet paper that doesn’t clean like Charmin Ultra Strong.” Ultra Strong Charmin Boy further commented, “yeah, fuck that toilet paper.”
The Charmin Ultra Soft family is filing a lawsuit against the Charmin Ultra Strong family for the scarring and trauma caused by the strong toilet paper. Charmin Soft Grandpa explained, “we invited them because they’re part of the Charmin family. They share the same values as us: using toilet paper, enjoying the go, and not second guessing our practice of inspecting our children’s rears to look for shreds of value-brand toilet paper whenever they come out of the bathroom. Charmin Soft may be softer than ever, but we’re not going soft on these criminals.” The lawsuit is ongoing, as the family reported being “too busy” to resolve it at this time. The entire Charmin Ultra Soft family was last reported to be occupied with vigorously squishing and rubbing unopened packs of Charmin Ultra Soft toilet paper.
Dan Kaliblotzky is a fourth-year at UCSD. He aspires to find a career in soulful heavy metal Phineas and Ferb covers.
