“Oh, this ought to be a good one,” said Tian Gong, looking at the line: “Jesus was __ (Race).”
Photo by Jack Yang
In a booming announcement from the sky, which shattered windows and shook the world’s population to its very core, a multi-faith council of Gods stated that they were “truly sorry about the shit existence.”
“Every year, a new God whips up a fresh booklet of Mad Libs to determine the fate of your world and entertain us,” sang the holy chorus of Gods and angels, as heavenly light pierced the sky. “But ever since Koalemos drew his name for 2020 it’s been an absolute train wreck. Koalemos is extremely self-centered and short-sighted, but he’s an absolute riot. He’s like the frat boy of Heaven. We know that you’re all worried about war, apocalyptic fires, the rise of authoritarianism, and all that stuff, but you have to trust us when we say that we had no clue what would happen when Koalemos put all of the nouns, verbs, and adjectives together for each day. We hope this divine message will act as an apology, but we want to make it clear that we’ve been having an absolute blast up here, and now that we realize how much fun utterly cataclysmic chaos is, it’s only going to get worse.”
The Gods’ speech was received poorly all around the world, with many angry that their life had been revealed to have such little meaning. “I feel like I’m a cosmic afterthought,” said Courtney Marr, an Australian student studying at the University of Sydney. “I was woken up at 4 a.m. to the sound of the Gods telling me that my purpose in life is to react to the fact that the world is crumbling around me. Honestly, I’m not even mad at the fact that I have no free will, I’m just angry that I’m one adverb away from me living “stickily” ever after instead of “happily.”
“Despite everything that’s happened over the last few days, I’m still a man of faith,” declared Father Douglas O’Connell, a Catholic priest from Carlsbad. “I understand why some are upset that our existence has been revealed to be all pre-determined, but I think most people are forgetting that religious people such as myself already believed that was the case. Is it a bit unconventional for our fate to be determined by Mad Libs? Perhaps, but God works in … blank ways. Fill in the blank with whatever adjective you’d like.”
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo also revealed his thoughts on the Gods’ announcement in a press conference on Monday. In it, he stated that “the Gods, as the divine rulers and creators of the world, ultimately had everyone’s best interests in mind, and thus, they knew the best ways to ensure peace and prosperity across the world.” He then revealed that starting immediately, all American foreign policy matters would be conducted via Mad Libs. “All diplomats and negotiators will obviously need to be retrained for this new Mad Lib style of decision-making,” Pompeo affirmed. “However, it will create hundreds of new jobs for translators, and will naturally lead to cooperation across the globe. If you’re one of the only few people in a room NOT doing a Mad Lib, you’re going to want to get in on that. And when you do, you’ll be able to solve anything, from trade to war.” Later in his speech, Pompeo proudly declared that his negotiation strategy had already worked, disclosing that the US and Iran had struck a peace deal, involving the trade of 2,000 butts for 18 scaly hats.