Local Biology Professor Loses Funding After Lab Stocked With Antibacterial Soap


Written by: Sharon Roth

Sources heard the bacteria protesters shouting: “Please, just one sneeze! We’re starving!”
Photo by Jay Noonan

Longtime cell biology researcher Alexander Conrad recently announced that his lab lost funding after Peterson Hall was stocked with antibacterial soap. The lab, which studies bacteria found in various parts of campus, had relied on students’ unhygienic habits in order to conduct their research. Dr. Conrad has been working on this particular project for 10 years, and he explained that “this bacteria shortage is really slowing our research down.”

Steph Aurous, a third-year PhD student working at the lab, said, “You wouldn’t believe the kinds of bacteria we get to study here. There’s a few common types of bacteria you’d expect, but UCSD students go above and beyond with the new species they leave around.” While Steph is excited about the lab’s breakthroughs in studying the characteristics of such bacteria, she noted that stocking Peterson Hall with antibacterial soap was for the best. “Sure it makes my job more interesting,” she added, “but I highly advise everyone to wash their hands.”

Other graduate students are reportedly relieved by the new brand of soap. Mona Putida, a first-year PhD student, appreciates the break from her work in the lab. “I didn’t know what kind of research Dr. Conrad was conducting before arriving at UCSD, and now I really regret choosing this program. I know my job is important, but you wouldn’t believe how hard it is to get samples without being caught.” She reports that finding times when the hall is empty can be difficult, but “the rush of adrenaline she gets from narrowly avoiding faculty, students, and staff makes the job worth it.” Mona later admitted that she has been caught twice by custodial staff, but they seemed unfazed and did not intervene.

The new Winter-Melon-and-Honey-Lavender-scented soap claims to kill 99.9 percent of bacteria. This has infuriated Conrad, who believes all bacteria should be studied equally. “I can’t go around only studying the top 0.1 percent of bacteria,” Conrad lamented. “That would be preposterous! 0.1 percent of bacteria can’t be controlling 99.9 percent of the research we do.”

When asked about their opinions on the issue, students were indifferent. One student, who asked to remain anonymous, said, “I honestly didn’t notice. I guess it smells kinda nice.”

Graphics Editor at The MQ

Sharon was “born” in 1801. She inspired the Archie Comics, which later inspired the hit TV show Riverdale.

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